A man should be looking for a helpmate, not a mate to help. These are two entirely different things. The Bible tells us that he who finds a wife finds a good thing.  It doesn’t say that every woman qualifies as a good wife.

 

So what are some of the qualities that you should be looking for in a wife?  As Relational Coaches, my wife and I have been talking on the subject of Dating, Courtship and Marriage for more than a decade. We are passionate to help and see couples succeed in marriage.

I’ve managed to compile a list of 10 types of women men should NEVER marry. (Also see my article 10 TYPES OF GUYS TO PUT ON YOUR DO NOT DATE LIST)

10 Women Men Should Avoid

 

1. Deva Deborah

 

“It’s all about me” or “I’m the first and the last and the in between” – this is the motto of this kind of woman.

As a Godly man, you have direction and a vision for your life, right?  But I’m telling you Mr, if you marry a Deva Deborah, you will waste your life and your God given gifts fulfilling the vision of this woman.

Find a helpmate who will help you get to the place God has planned for you both. I’m truly blessed to celebrate a wife who supports my God given destiny.

 

 

2. Dominator Donna

 

God has established order; this woman doesn’t respect it. She believes God’s word is “old fashion” so she makes her own rules.

For this reason, she wears the pants and won’t stop trying until she has you wearing the skirt.

Don’t just walk away from this woman — drink 13 red bulls and fly!

 

 

3. Controlling Candice

 

What’s disguised as “I just care about you” is really the need for manipulative control or a heart poisoned by morbid jealousy.

Controlling Candice dominates as she strives to own your life. She makes decisions for you, especially with regards to whom you choose as friends. She can get so bad, she even decides from the menu what you will eat tonight.

She will constantly check up on you or falsely accuse you of cheating on her.

Can I “trust you” seems to be all that you talk about because of her ominous need for control.

This woman is worse than a rotten onion, she will suffocate and choke the love out of your heart.

 

4. Bible Bashing Bobby

 

Oh, she can quote the Bible better than anyone else, including the One who wrote it.  God speaks “ONLY TO ME!” -she thinks.

She is heavenly minded and earthly no good. She may know the Bible and have great knowledge, but she lacks the pearls of wisdom.

God created sex for procreation and ENJOYMENT, she’ll without sex from you because she is “fasting.”

Bible Bashing Bobby is exhausting, draining and has no joy or sense of humour. If she laughs, her face would crack. Her comfort comes only from one place, the law of the Lord.

 

5. Curvy Candy

 

This is the woman most men are drawn to. She’s built like a 1968 Ford Mustang; she has all the right curves in all the right places -sexy!

But…

just like the “trophy of the year” that’s only good for about a year and then it goes to the next best thing that comes along -this is what she is like.

I’m not saying your wife shouldn’t be attractive, this is important for most men.

Just make sure that looks aren’t the only thing that attracts you to hear, because, although a trophy will lose its shine over time, what’s on the inside -never will.

Unless God can change her heart; the woman who loves to flirt with strangers, waiters and even your friends, is not marriage material!

That last thing you want is to be married to someone who will deliberately flirt with people in front of you, let alone behind your back.

If you thinking of marrying a Curvy Candy – I suggest you think again!

 

 

6. Prideful Peggy

 

This woman has to have the best of everything—best car, biggest house, name-branded clothing. This woman is weight; she will weigh your spirit down and eventually crush your marriage.

Her identity and self-worth are wrapped up in things. Consequentially she constantly compares what she has to what others have.

She will drive a man into debt because enough will never be enough. If you hear her constantly comparing herself to others, keeping this woman happy will feel like a root canal without anaesthetic!

 

7. Faulty Felicia

 

This woman never shuts up!
She finds faults in everything and in everyone.  Over time she will sound like a leaking roof that never stops -anonying!

 

 

8. Addicted Alicia

 

This woman lives in the past, looking in the rearview mirror of life.

Her life’s anthem is the song of defeat “somebody did me wrong” she sings to everybody and anybody who will listen.

She’s like a ‘sushi train’ – she continually rotates her failures and losses of life.

Often this woman will battle addictions, whether it’s drugs, alcohol, promiscuity or food. Her pains will become your worst nightmare.

Remember you are looking for a helpmate, not a mate to help.

 

9. Paranoid Pricilla

 

This woman is afraid of everything—afraid to speak, afraid to drive, afraid to fly, afraid to try anything new.

Sir, believe me, “Paranoid Pricilla” will hold you back from becoming the gift you were meant to be.

This doesn’t mean a woman can’t balance a man to keep him from being reckless. Often a woman is a great discerner and can sense things that men overlook.

But Paranoid Pricilla is the woman who can never go beyond her comfort zone, she’s a creature of habit. She is obsessed with tragedy, illness, and talks of disasters and sickness as if it is something to expect.

10. Lazy Lucy

 

You will know she is a “Lazy Lucy” when her house is a dirty mess and her car smells like a dump site – even worse.

She is also the type of woman, who doesn’t take care of herself in any way. Her hair is not washed and combed – and smells as if she uses compose hair-fertilizer.   Her clothes are not ironed, her shoes still have the discounted labels on its soles. This woman is too lazy to care! Hygiene is a matter of a burden, not a matter of virtue.

Laziness is sinful according to the Bible.

If she doesn’t have a healthy love for herself, she won’t be able to love you correctly!

 

Finally,  because women tend to be just a whole lot more complicated than men, I’ve decided to a BONUS point –Number 11!

 

11. The Gold-digger

 

She’s the woman who loves your wallet, more than your heart. If it wasn’t for your bank account, and credit cards, you’d never stand a chance – believe me!

Stay away from a woman who is only interested in what your salary can buy her.

Yes, she’s a Colour Me Bad -A money-taker and a heartbreaker… You don’t want to be married to someone you have to pay a premium to, to get your attention or to give you some affection.

She is the type of a woman who will not be there for you when you no longer can satisfy her physical needs.

This type of a woman will NEVER find true love, because of her materialistic heart.

 

 


Disclaimer: Any name associated with this list is not associated with a person I personally know. Any connection is purely coincidental.

Many don’t agree with Him, still, countless more cherish His Leadership Philosophies. His my all-time great.  Business empires, lasting friendships, strong marriages and families have all been build on His Principles.

 

For a moment, let’s put aside all of the spiritual mumbo-jumbo and consider a brief Bio of His unprecedented leadership qualities:

“He never wrote a book, and yet all the libraries of the country could not hold the books that have been written about Him.

He never wrote a song, and yet He has furnished the theme for more songs than all the songwriters combined.

He never founded a college, but all the schools put together cannot boast of having as many students.

He never marshalled an army, nor drafted a soldier, nor fired a gun; and yet no leader ever had more volunteers who have, under His orders, made more rebels stack arms and surrender without a shot fired.

He never practised psychiatry, and yet He healed more broken hearts than all the doctors far and near. Once every week the wheels of commerce would cease their turning and multitudes found their way to worshipping assemblies to pay homage and respect to Him.

The names of the past proud statesmen of Greece and Rome have come and gone.

The names of the past scientists, philosophers, and theologians have come and gone; but the name of this Man abounds more and more.

Though time has spread nineteen hundred years between the people of this generation and the scene of His crucifixion, yet He still lives…”

Not sure if I know another who sits in this league?

TIME magazine hailed this about Him:

“Three billion Christians can’t all be wrong. I mean, they could be, but still, if three billion people follow your teachings 2,000 years after…, that’s pretty influential.”

 

Who am I talking about? His name is Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

He is the founder of the world’s oldest, largest and most sustained organisation (the church), one can’t deny the fact we can learn a few leadership lessons without any doubt from Jesus.

 

Four Timeless Lessons From the Life of Jesus Christ:

 

#1. He Led from the Heart

–Great Leaders Lead From the InsideOut

Instead of the usual top-down approach to leadership, (positional leadership), Jesus led from the inside up.

 

Jesus never centred on title or position but rather on the personal matters of character and integrity.

Without integrity, no one will follow you and if no one is following you, you are not leading.

We are passing through an era where the measurement systems of our corporate environment tend to be more competency-based than character based. Where a person’s character flaws can be overlooked because they are so good at the skills of their job.

The destruction caused by lack of character is always greater than the competency provided.

You can be the most qualified worker, but without good character, you’ll never become a great leader of influence. Your leadership skills will only take you as far as your character will maintain you.

Leadership is truly an inside job,

…Jesus had a pure motivation of heart to lead – sustained by unfailing character. For instance, Jesus held strong convictions and values while still showing tremendous compassion to others who did not share these same convictions.

Great leaders balance conviction with compassion, kindness with patience. These leadership virtues are heart issues.

The more you work on your heart and your character, the more others will want to follow you.

 

“If you want to do more you first have to be more.”

 

 

#2. He was a Great Storyteller

– Great Leaders are Great Communicators

 

Jesus’ stories have certainly withstood the test of time.

His preferred storytelling style was the parable. Stories are richer, more powerful and longer-lasting than instructions.

Look at your own life for stories that have relevant messages for your team… we all have them.

Learn to harness “your stories” into powerful coaching tools.

Your purpose is to move more people to do great things. Your story can achieve this!

 It’s your philosophical heartbeat to inspire people to act and behave in a way which will enrich their lives and those of people around them both personally and at work.

 

 

#3. He was a Great Servant

– Great Leaders are Servant Leaders

 

The same way Bill Gates revolutionised computers, Jesus Christ revolutionised leadership through the concept of servanthood.

Jesus washed the feet of his disciples even during his most trying time.
If you have a leader who concentrates on performance planning, day-to-day coaching, provides vision as well as helps you to achieve, and as a team, you understand the expectations and desired outcomes – you have a servant leader!

Celebrate such a leader; they are rare gems!

The ultimate responsibility of the servant leader is the enduring growth of personal development that is to be invested in the lives of those who follow.

Leadership is about others, not you!

An ancient Chinese philosopher Laozi said,

“A leader is best when people barely know he exists; when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves.”

 

 

#4. He had both Passion and Compassion – Great Leaders Balance Passion with Compassion

 

Jesus was a Man of admirable passion (conviction) for purpose.

 

At the same time, He was a leader that showed tremendous compassion to others who did not share His passion or convictions.

A convicted leader knows what he believes. A compassionate leader knows that people need to feel loved and are worthy of being heard.

Likewise, today’s great leaders are clear about their values and expectations while being sensitive to the ‘person’ behind the desk or steering wheel or till point.

He knows he is dealing with people who have feelings, needs and dreams; who are not robots.

 

Nothing ever created exists without purpose. Even a dumb rock has a purpose. Likewise, every single person is born with a purpose, yet so few people actually know theirs.

 

Many have not realised that their dream is within them and are living their lives through something their parents desired for them or even worse, something convenience dictated to them.  Most people never pursue their own inner passion. But until you find your voice, you will always be singing someone else’s song. However, the world needs your song! I love this quote by Maya Angelou:

 

“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.”

 

 

No one else can discover your purpose for you. A mentor plays an important role – he can guide you, but only you can lead yourself to the birthplace of purpose. I call this your “burning bush experience.” Taken from the biblical story of the Egyptian prince who became a great leader to his people. His name was Moses. He discovered his purpose when God appeared to Him through a burning bush experience.

If you listen to motivational speakers, all of them encountered a “burning bush experience,” each in their own unique way. This defining moment each one of them is able to trace it back to a particular place, to a particular hour and a particular date. This is how powerful your introduction is to destiny!

 

I hope that the following questions will assist you in illuminating your Destiny.

How To Discover Your Purpose

1. What do I stand for?

 

All of us have a particular conviction; a hot button, that when pushed, the juices flow. This marks the instance when we stand up, speak up and be heard, even at the price of death!

As the great Martin Luther Jr. said, “Life is not worth living for until you find something worth dying for.”

So what is it that presses your hot buttons and makes your juices flow?  For some, it may be politics, education or religion. For others, it may be music, business or entertainment.

Regardless, something in life makes us stand up and be counted!

Ask yourself, “What will I stand and support even if I’m the only one standing?”

Finding this one thing in your life, is the foundation that you will use to build your future.

 

“By believing passionately in something that does not yet exist, we create it.” – Nikos Kazantzakis

 

2. What do I believe in?

 

Most people live their lives without a personal value system.  They’ve never thought through their beliefs, instead they’ve been conditioned by outside influences.

A personal value system is a set of principles that drive and guide your behaviour. It gives you structure and purpose by assisting you to determine what is meaningful and important to you.  It also helps you express WHO you are and what you STAND FOR.

A personal value system permits you the experience of joy in unwrapping the gift of belief. Without it, you become robotic in swallowing whatever useless dung is fed to you.
The average person goes through life strolling down the street of scepticism (sceptic about God, marriage, friendship, love, trust and forgiveness). Worse, they are quick to point out what they don’t believe and easily condemn those who believe in something.

When you have searched and struggled to find what you believe in, you won’t be careless to let it slip out of your hands. Moses paid a hefty price to find himself before the unveiling of his purpose.

When you have struggled to prove your belief, it will be even more precious to you than gold.

How many people do you know are travelling down the street of life, focusing on their doubts but are blind about their faith?

The law of focus teaches us that by focusing on what you don’t want, you will actually draw it towards you!
Stop being enchanted by what you despise and begin to focus on what you desire!
What is it that you believe in? Write it down. Speak it out loudly to yourself, when you wake in the morning and when you sleep at night.
Solidify your beliefs and your beliefs will begin to solidify you.

 

“Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul;

the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.”
— Napoleon Hill

 

 

3. What am I discontent about?

 

Discontentment or dissatisfaction has been characterised as a vice that should be avoided. And yet, ALL progress stems from a healthy discontentment.

When you understand that, Life’s purpose often derives from the place of pain. Progress begins at the point of pain. Pain acts as the ultimate motivator, spurring us on to change. But pain is NOT enough to change you, only knowledge can change you.

 

Until your present state becomes painful enough, you will not be motivated to change. Attempt to associate pain with losing and it will spur you on to winning.

I love what Maxwell says, “You don’t overcome challenges by making them smaller but by making yourself bigger.”

As long as losing is comfortable to you, you will not appreciate the dramatic actions needed to begin winning. By pinpointing what bothers you, you can begin to pursue what will make you happy.

 

“Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course.” — William Shakespeare

 

4. What am I passionate about?

Uncovering your passion is to discover your distinction – your difference or uniqueness.

Uncovering your passion is to uncover your potential – your potential is in your passion.

By applying yourself to do what you are passionate about is to increase your chances for success by a thousand fold.

 

The world, sadly, is full of passionless people.  Do not get lost in spending your life engrossed in work that disgusts you and frustrates you.

Boredom is not only the greatest insult to your Maker; boredom is the absence of passion.

 

“If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.” — Benjamin Franklin

5. What keeps me awake at night?

 

Do you remember being so excited about something or someone that you couldn’t even fall asleep?

For many people, it has been too long since such a moment existed. Listen to Benjamin Franklin on this pint, “Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75.”

When you are young, you are full of energy, every new day holds a new discovery, you want to learn everything that you can and as fast as possible, you are full of ideas on how you could change the world – you are alive!

What stole this from you?

 

Worry shouldn’t keep you up at night, possibilities should.

 

Make your dreams so big, so vibrant, so invigorating, so impossible that your future begins to manifest in your present.

“A man is not old until regrets start taking the place of dreams.” Don’t let this happen to you. Don’t wait until tomorrow to start dreaming. Start now!
Perpahs the reason you have dreams when you are sleeping is because you never chose to dream when you are awake!

So God’s only way to get you to dream is to make you sleep! Even then, negativity consumes you so much that your dream turns into a nightmare.

But this isn’t your destiny!  You are meant for greater things than this.

Don’t wait to go to sleep to have a dream; have one while you’re awake.

Discover your dream and live it!

“Great minds have purposes; others have wishes.” — Washington Irving

 

6. What do I want for my life?

 

Too many people wait until it is too late to ask this question, “What do I want for my life?”

Whatever your age, decide what it is you want to do with your life and then begin moving in that direction.

You have been given the gift of CHOICE. Open the gift and start deciding today!

If you don’t decide what you want for your life, somebody else will.

Without clear-cut goals, you’ll react like dry fallen leaves blown about by the “wind of whatever.”

Don’t let life blow you around in a thousand different directions – Nowhere!

If you do not know what harbour you are headed for, no wind will be the right wind.

Like driftwood, you will be tossed to and fro.

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” — William Shedd

Start dreaming again, discover your purpose and be counted! 

Every girl looks forward to finding her Prince Charming. The moment love finds them, then the dream fairytale wedding and a perfect life thereafter. But, as you grow older, you realise that nobody’s perfect. So instead of looking for Mr Perfect, you look for the one who is perfect for you -a sign you’ve matured.

As Pastors for over a decade, alongside Rey, my wife (16 years and counting) we’ve observed how beautiful, ambitious girls, settled for less than THE BEST.

One of the most difficult things we face at times is trying to speak “sense” into some of these precious hearts. Whether it is by way of, Whatsapp, Email or our Dating and Courtship Workshops, we’d encourage these young ladies, “yes follow your heart, but not without your brain.”

 

Often the complaint we hear from them is, “the pickings are slim to none at the Church.” So they venture into the world throwing up their hands in despair, and desperation. Even lowering their standards in order to find “love.”

We shared with them our mistakes; we encourage them not settle for less than God’s best. As much as we feel we do our best, our wisdom often is disregarded and the consequences for them are inevitable.

Too many Christian women today, have ended up with an Ishmael because impatience pushed them into an unhappy marriage. This is a great sadness!

It’s my sincerest hope, this article would help you.  I’ve always believed God is in the matchmaking business. He matched me with my wife and He can do it for you. How or when I can’t tell you but what I can tell you is which guy not from Him.

So what are the qualities of a keeper: How do you recognize a good guy?

It’s true, as you look for Mr Right, you look past some of the bad traits, so you can see all the good ones.

This shows that you’re not shallow, emotionally mature and possibly ready for a steady relationship. But, despite how shallow it might seem, there are some guys you should just AVOID like the black plague!

 

10 Types Of Guys To Put On Your Do Not Date List

 

 

#1. The Controller Freak

 

Do not date a controller!

You may fancy the “attention” in the early dating stage. Particularly if you grew up as a young girl without the affection, attention and love of your father.  A controlling man will come back to haunt your marriage.

Here is the truth about biblical leadership, it is servant leadership, not domination!

There are many “Christian men” who go around quoting scriptures about headship and being the spiritual leader. However, their idea of leadership is having a woman be subservient to them.

They may quote Scripture and sound super-spiritual, but behind the façade of husbandly authority is deep insecurity and pride that destroys and leads into spiritual and emotional abuse. God created a man and a woman as equal. A man and a woman differ in function, not status!

 

“Commands husbands to treat their wives as equals.”
1 Peter 3:7

If the man you are dating talks down to you makes demeaning comments about women or seems to quench your spiritual fire for God, back away now!

You don’t need his “power trip” issues to further complicate your life.

Women who marry “religious control freaks” often end up depressed and having a  marriage like “Nightmare on Elm’s Street.”

Put that type of guy on your do not date list.

 

 

#2. The Deceiver

 

One of the major challenges in modern society is the lack of understanding of the difference between; dating and courtship.

Dating is for discernment. Discerning important things such as; character, emotional and intellectual compatibility.

It’s important to look beyond physical attraction.  Hers is why, when people date, they put their “best foot” forward to try to impress the other person, right?  This is human nature. What is not human nature is when people intentionally deceive a person about their past or their character.

If you discover that the guy you are dating has deceived you about his past…  run for the hills!

Marriage must be built on a foundation of friendship which is built on the foundation trust.

If he can’t be truthful about his mistakes in the past or about his character flaws, break up now before he deceives you with an even bigger deception.

This guy deserves to be on your do not date list.

 

 

#3. The Irresponsible Man-Child

 

Is your guy still living with his mama? Run and don’t look back!

Call me old-fashion, but if a guy at age 35 is still living with mum’s and pap’s, he is going to the tough-nut to please!

Forget about getting him to do any chores around the house. You’ll be like, baby in the one arm, the other whimpering in the cot, while you doing the cooking and thinking about the ironing.    I’ve seen marriages crush, because of the uninvolved, present but absent husband.

If his mother is still doing his cooking, cleaning and ironing at that age, you can be sure he’s stuck in an emotional time warp.

He is an overgrown baby in an adult’s body. You are asking for trouble if you think you can be a wife to a guy who hasn’t grown up and is not responsible enough.

If he can’t take care of himself, how the heck he going to take care of you, the children?

Back away and, as a friend, encourage him to find a mentor who can help him mature.

But whatever you do, put him on your do not date list.

 

 

#4. The Chippendale

 

There are actually men in the church and especially online that prey on women who are gullible, lonely and needy.

They will lead them right down the path of sexual promiscuity with no intention of marrying them.

If you marry someone who cannot control his libido prior to marriage, what makes you think he will control it after you are married?

If he has a “wandering eye” in front of you, trust me, sweetheart, he’s a player, flirting with others girls behind you.

How will you ever trust a guy like this, who can not trust his optical system?

This type of guy is a no-brainer for your do not date list.

Finding a man who has control over his sexual appetites is a rare gem indeed.

You will be well served to find such a man.

 

 

#5. The Abuser (Spiritual, Emotional, Or Physical)

 

Abuse is caused by anger and manipulation.

If the guy you are dating has a tendency to fly off the handle, either at you or others, don’t be tempted to rationalise his behaviour.

He has a problem, and if you marry him you have a problem, a serious problem. You will have to walk on eggshells in your own home. Angry men hurt women—verbally and sometimes physically.

Put that type of guy on your do not date list.

Pray for a gentleman.

Pray for a guy that doesn’t try to manipulate his world to always get his way.

Pray for a guy that can accept when things are not what he wants all the time.

 

 

#6. The Deserter

 

Do not date a deserter!

There are many great Christian men who have experienced the tragedy of divorce and have done the things necessary to heal from that event in their life and are ready to have a great marriage.

The Holy Spirit has restored them and now they want to remarry.

But if you find out that the man you are dating hasn’t been caring for his children from a previous marriage, you have just exposed a fatal flaw.

Any man who will not support children from a previous marriage is not going to treat you responsibly.

What makes you think that he will support you when he will not take responsibility for his own children or be the dad that his kids need?

Put him on your do not date list.

 

 

#7. The GQ Man

 

Everybody should marry somebody that is physically attractive to them.

But be careful: If your guy spends six thousand hours a day at the gym and regularly posts closeups of his biceps on Facebook, you have a problem, drink 13 red bulls and fly away!

He is self-absorbed if he cares more for his triceps or his toys (car, or hobby) that he cares for you. The guy who’s willing to drop it all for you, he’s the one! Never accept second best when God has only the best for his daughter.

Watch out for the narcist. Narcissus was an ancient Greek mythological figure who was so beautiful that he fell in love with himself – but because he couldn’t leave his own reflection in the water, he eventually drowned.

A person who is a narcissist is so convinced of their own greatness that they don’t see their weaknesses. Marrying a narcissist is a very one sided relationship. They’re always trying to vaunt their own greatness – often at the expense of others.

When a person is self-absorbed then they don’t have the time nor the inclination to give themselves to someone else. They are in fact in love with themselves.

He might be cute, but a man who is infatuated with his appearance and his own needs will never be able to love you sacrificially like Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25).

The man who is always looking at himself in the mirror will never notice you!

Put him on your do, not date list.

 

 

#8. The Addicted User

 

Guys who go to church but are addicted to mind altering substances have learned a secretive behavioural lifestyle.

Never marry a man who refuses to get help for his addiction.

Insist that he get professional help and walk away.

And don’t get into a co-dependent relationship in which he claims he needs you to stay sober.

You can’t fix him. It is not your job it is God’s job!

Don’t try to be “holy spirit junior,” and try to anyone. Firstly He does not need your help (thank you very much,) secondly, don’t deceive yourself into thinking, “he will change once we marry.” If God can’t change him, neither will marriage or you!

Take enough time to know someone before you get married. That’s the purpose of dating.

You don’t want to be surprised on your honeymoon that you actually married a crack head.

Put him on your d, not date list.

 

 

#9. The Lazy Bum

 

Do not date a lazy bum!

The first thing God gave Adam was a JOB, not a wife! For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. 2 Thessalonians 3:10

Does your guy have a job?

Does he have a life plan?

If the answer is now, he can’t afford you or marriage. I can’t tell you how many ladies I have seen supporting guys who have no plan in their life.

The rule to eating applies to marrying you as well. If he is not willing to work, he has no business marrying a godly woman like you!

Ladies, don’t sell your spiritual birthright for a bowl of stew.

Don’t marry a man that doesn’t deserve you. Put him on your do not date list.

Please receive our “fatherly” or “motherly” advice:

You are much better off single than with the wrong guy!

Your smartest decision in life is to wait for a man who is sold out to Jesus!

 

 

#10. The Unbeliever

 

Don’t date an unbeliever!

Please take this scripture and write it on a post-it note and place it on your mirror, refrigerator and your computer at work.

“Don’t yoke with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?” 2 Corinthians 6:14-15

You don’t want to be “yoked” with a man who does not know the LORD and God’s Word. It becomes complicated and more so when the children arrive.

Don’t be fooled by good looks, a witty personality, financial prosperity, or even a willingness to go to Church with you while you are dating. If the guy was not actively serving the Lord prior to you meeting him, then he is not marriage material.

Marriage taps into the spiritual dynamics of unity. If you don’t have a spiritual agreement, you don’t have a real agreement. You must do a spiritual X- Ray before you date anyone.  Don’t treat dating a guy like an item on the shopping list. Get it when you need it kinda thing…. 

It’s possible to end up being that woman who gets trapped in unfulfilling marriages because you fell prey to the guy who wanted to find a “good Church girl” but had no intention of being a good Church man himself. So be aware of this.

I have never met one godly woman who didn’t regret marrying an unbeliever.

Please put them on your do, not date list.

Time free from workplace obligations seems to become ever more difficult to keep. According to a recent study, 70% of workers struggle with finding a work-life system that works for them.

This means more than 2/3 of your staff are not proactive, distracted, and operating below their potential.

The solution,

For many in the workforce, achieving any type of work-life balance can seem like a myth, especially when technology has made us accessible around the clock and work has become boundariless.

But,

Despite the demanding realities our information industry forces upon us,  there are those that have managed to carve out satisfying and meaningful lives outside of their work.

Too often people believe that to achieve success, one needs to give up their personal life. (This is not true!)

They do not believe that work-life balance is possible in a meaningful way, but it is!

There is no better way to demonstrate this than to hear it directly from some of the most successful people in the world.

Here are some of the tools they practice: 7 Habits Of People Who Have Achieved Work-Life Balance.

 

7 Habits Of Successful People Who Have Achieved Work-Life Balance

 

 

#1. THEY LIVE LIFE BY DESIGN NOT DEFAULT

 

Most people treat “life” as something that just happens.  They’re victims, who react to life and let outside circumstances decide their fate, their agenda.   They live by Default.

On the other hand, there are those, no none achievers.  They walk into any situation and grab it by the horns. They determine the outcome of their day, their week. These people create the life they want to live and don’t accept anything less. They live by Design.

Instead of just letting life happen to you, make some choices to achieve work-life balance. Think about what you want from life and how you want to invest your time?

 

#2. THEY DON’T FOLLOW UNPRODUCTIVE CYCLES

 

Work-life balance going off the rails in your life is usually a result of allowing old and unproductive cycles to continue to control you.

Let old habits and old ways of thinking slide, or you will!

Endeavour to be intentional and uncompromising concerning this.

Winners who stay on top of the surf are good at staying on track by making conscious decisions to continually talk to the important people (mentors, spiritual leaders) in their lives about what is working or not, and make decisions to change direction if needed.

As they say, “when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount” – get a new horse, and a new whip!

Life is progressive. Situations change. If you don’t realise this, you’ll end up in a place you don’t want to be.

 

 

#3. THEY INVEST TIME FOR FAMILY, FRIENDS AND IMPORTANT INTERESTS

 

People who have managed to carve out a work-life balance, that works for them don’t just wait to see what time is left over after work.

Make it a point to plan and book “time off,” to spend outside of work and vigorously guard this time.

Emergencies are unavoidable.

Unfavourable situations don’t need permission to show up in our lives, from work to other matters; learn to resist any intrusion of this time strongly.

It’s been statistically proven, one of the greatest regrets upon dying is the deep regret that:

“I wish I spent more time with the people I love.”

It’s easy to let that time slip away, but once it’s gone you can never get it back.

Besides, as Steve Blank author of the Startup Owners Manual stated it, “When you’re gone, would you rather have your gravestone say:

‘He never missed a meeting? or one that said, He was a great father.’”

 

I’m so grateful that I’ve learnt to protect this time, regardless!

 

 

 

#4. THEY HAVE DETERMINED THEIR SUCCESS SILHOUETTE

 

People who manage work-life balance have developed a strong sense of who they are, their values and what is important to them.

If your desire for success is greater than your desire to be principled, you will compromise on the essentials of true success.

Having a success silhouette for everything you do helps you determine what success means to you.

Listen to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on this point:

 

“Reconsider your definitions. We are prone to judge success by the index of our salaries or the size of our automobiles rather than by the quality of our service and relationship to mankind.”

 

Wow! That’s food for thought….?

 

 

#5. THEY DETECT AND DUMP DISTRACTIONS FAST

 

People who maintain balance are able to turn off their electronic devices to enjoy uninterrupted, quality time doing things they value and enjoy.

They realise that multitasking is a myth and focusing on the task at hand is the key to “living in the moment.”

They learn to “compartmentalise” their time.

Don’t confuse having a career with having a life or a family life. If you are a spiritual person like me, invite God into every department of your life.

Learn to be present in each moment, experience and savour life.

Consider the power of meditation (see my article: 7 Sacred Minutes with God), listen to more music (I love classical), do physical activity (I could improve a whole lot on this one) or some other interest that allows you to get away from the pressures of everyday life – to relax, rejuvenate and regenerate your spirit, soul and body.

Remember, “balance is not better time management, but better boundary management.”

 

#6. THEY ARE PASSIONATELY GOAL DRIVEN

 

Many people go through life and get caught up in situations and circumstances that end up controlling them.

Generally, 80% of all of the activity that you are involved in right now is taking you nowhere.

Discern what is the 20 % of things that matter and move towards your dream and give yourself wholeheartedly to it.

Balance can only be achieved when plans are defined around time frames and a passionate determination to make some sacrifices to get what you want in the end. For example, many entrepreneurs typically plan to spend a substantial amount of time in the early part of their businesses.

Those that achieve balance down the road see this as a sacrifice that will allow them to spend extra time and energy in other areas they are passionate about once the business is established.

The greater the sacrifice the greater the glory of leisure!

 

 

 

#7. THEY SURROUND THEMSELVES WITH THE WISE AND CARING

 

People who have achieved good balance have surrounded themselves with other people who are wiser them they are (either through books or friendships.) As the ancient proverbs say, “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”

Gravitate towards wise people and move away from the unwise. How can you tell the wise apart from the foolish?

The answer is very simple actually,

The wise, have a consistent track record or a history of making wise decisions which are evident in their lives.

Don’t be fooled with titles, positions or money. Find a strategic life and business mentor and also built a strong support network, (family, friends, church family) they can depend upon to help them get through difficult times.

 

The most important person in my life next to my Maker is my wife. Listen to this piece of wisdom from, Sheryl Sandberg, (COO of Facebook),

 

“The most important career decision you’ll make is who your life partner is.”

I love this!

 

And finally,  as you endeavour to find work-life balance, learn to become more generous with your life, time, talent and money, wisely. Extend yourselves to help out others, serve your community and Church.

Have a variety of interests, don’t just live for yourself or your family. Always be open to new learning and possibilities.  I love this statement from Zuckerberg,

 

“I spend most of my time thinking about how to connect the world and serve our community better, but a lot of that time isn’t in our office or meeting with people or doing what you’d call real work. I take a lot of time just to read and think about things by myself.” ―Mark Zuckerberg

 

So there you have it, the 7 Habits of Successful People. 

Experience life to the fullest. Don’t just exist, live!  

 

 

ENGINEERING VISION

Consider for a moment, how your physical vision or sight works. You may focus on one thing, but notice, how many other objects, movements are in your peripheral? Peripheral vision is a great advantage, to both human and animal.

However, when it comes to reaching your destination, you have to be as clear as Swarovski crystal and as focused as a laser.

 

Nobody’s perfect, leaders have flaws, but there are some flaws that are sudden death to good leadership.

With that said, a smart leader will look at himself critically and be able to determine where his flaws may lie.

As an executive coach…

my coaching philosophy does not focus on leadership weakness but rather their strengths. Building on a leader’s strengths is a far more efficient way of enhancing change than being fault focused.

Nonetheless, as a leader of an organisation, myself, I’ve learned (and still do) to be aware of certain weakness to guard myself against them.

Zenger and Folkman conducted two surveys, in one, they’ve collected 360-degree feedback data on more than 450 Fortune 500 executives and noticed the common characteristics of the 31 who were fired. In the second, they’ve analysed 360-degree feedback data from more than 11,000 leaders and identified the 10% who were considered least effective. When they compared the ineffective leaders with the fired leaders they’ve come up with the 10 most common leadership shortcomings, which commonly plague leaders everywhere in the world.

Every bad leader had at least one, and most had several.

While leadership is not seeking perfection but consistent and steady improvement in one’s character and competency is non-negotiable.

No matter how gifted an individual may be, or how prominent a position he may hold, we are still are human. Unfortunately, most leaders chose to ignore that we all need “working on,” and rather than choosing to ignore this reality, the best leaders are the ones who are able to acknowledge and address their shortcomings.

 

10 Fatal Leadership Flaws:

1) Lack energy and enthusiasm

They see new initiatives as a burden, rarely volunteer, and fear being overwhelmed.
One such leader was described as having the ability to “suck all the energy out of any room.”

2) Accept their mediocre performance

They overstate the difficulty of reaching targets so that they look good when they achieve them. They live by the mantra “Underpromise and overdeliver.”

3) Lack clear vision and direction

They believe their only job is to execute. Like a hiker who sticks close to the trail, they’re fine until they come to a fork.

ENGINEERING VISION

4) Have poor judgment

They make decisions that colleagues and subordinates consider to be not in the organisation’s best interests.

 

5) Don’t collaborate

They avoid peers, act independently, and view other leaders as competitors. As a result, they are set adrift by the very people whose insights and support they need.

 

6) Don’t walk the talk

They set standards of behaviour or expectations of performance and then violate them. They’re perceived as lacking integrity.

 

7) Resist new ideas

They reject suggestions from subordinates and peers. Good ideas aren’t implemented, and the organisation gets stuck.

8) Don’t learn from mistakes

They may make no more mistakes than their peers, but they fail to use setbacks as opportunities for improvement, hiding their errors and brooding about them instead.

9) Lack interpersonal skills

They make sins of both commission (they’re abrasive and bullying) and omission (they’re aloof, unavailable, and reluctant to praise).

10) Fail to develop others

They focus on themselves to the exclusion of developing subordinates, causing individuals and teams to disengage.

 

These sound like obvious flaws that any leader would try to fix. But the ineffective leaders that were studied were mostly unaware that they exhibited these behaviours.

In fact, those who were rated most negatively rated themselves substantially more positively. They thought more highly of themselves as they ought to, resulting in their own professional demise.

As a leader, you should take a very hard look at yourselves and ask for candid feedback on your performance in these specific areas.

Your jobs may depend on it.


Inspired by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman and Harvard Business Review

 

History beats the drum on him as one of the most celebrated leaders of all time.

Personally his one of my favourites.  His name was President Abraham Lincoln. An American politician, lawyer, husband and servant who served as the 16th President of the United States, from March 1861 until, well like most great leaders, who live under death threats, Lincoln was assassinated in April 1865.

Abraham Lincoln led the United States through its Civil War (1881-1865).  I’m not American, so don’t know much about these terrible days of civil unrest, but I’ve come to understand, that he also championed one of the bloodiest war during possibly, the nation’s greatest moral, constitutional and political crisis. He did this against the 11th “Confederate States” in the South, known as the slave states. How awesome is that?!

In doing so, he preserved the Union (23 States), paved the way to the abolishment of slavery, strengthened their national government and modernised the economy. I wish I could tell you, he was my great, great, great grand… never mind!

Leaders such as Lincoln held iconic status, cherished and challenged high ideals that commanded great loyalty and respect. Their leadership legacy in our amoral world, unfortunately, has been esteemed as a worthless two cents coin, their memoir diminishes into oblivion by the years, falling short of nothing but a travesty to our future by the most unbearable, weak and irresponsible leadership.

Frankly, most people don’t care and wonder how leaders such as Lincoln deserve to be hailed. But still,  what made him such an extraordinary leader? “Why should I even bother, learning about such an old dude?”

There are many important reasons why.  I explore several principles from his iconic influences, and also attempt to resolve the question, “does effective modern leadership philosophy backs his methods?”

Five Leadership Lessons of Abraham Lincoln

#1. Invest More Time with the Staff and Less Behind the Desk

As President Lincoln spent more time outside the White House than in it. And it’s believed he met every single Union soldier who enlisted early in the Civil War – they saw the President in person.

Lincoln was President of 23 States but had an open-door policy.

Lincoln knew people were his best source of information.  He spent 75% of the day meeting with people.

A virtue not venerated by “modern leadership,” but certainly supported by the purest form of leadership, because accessibility builds trust.

An accessible leader uses all things possible, including technology or social media to connect and network with his people.

He knows acknowledgement is validation.

He knows investing time makes a huge impact.

He knows  using technology multiplies his touch.

He knows a close door policy intimidates people.

He knows an open door policy invites people.

Not all leaders are accessible leaders, but all great leaders are.

 

Not all leaders are accessible leaders, but all great leaders are. Click To Tweet

#2. Persuade Rather Than Force

Despite having the power of the presidency, Lincoln didn’t have a strong arm with people, he never used undue force. He also had many enemies but he won most of them over. How did he do it? He made them his friends. He made them like him.

Here’s Lincoln talking about his persuasive leadership methods:

“When the conduct of men is designed to be influenced, persuasion, kind, unassuming persuasion, should ever be adopted. It is an old and a true maxim that a “drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart, which, say what he will, is the great highroad to his reason, and which, when once gained, you will find little trouble in convincing his judgment of the justice of your cause, if indeed that cause really be a just one.”

 

Leaders like Lincoln handle their subordinates with great respect.  Lincoln didn’t give orders — he made requests.

Look at some of the letters he wrote:
To McClellan (10-13-1863): “…this letter is in no sense an order.”
To Halleck (9-19-1863): “I hope you will consider it…”
To Burnside (9-27-1863): “It was suggested to you, not ordered…”

 

“I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends.” Abraham Lincoln

Great leaders all portray the same leadership panache.

#3. Give Honour and Take Responsibility

Lincoln always gave credit where it was due, took responsibility when things went wrong. This approach not only confirmed his honesty, integrity, human dignity but also gave his subordinates the correct perception that they were, in many ways, doing the leading, not him.

Lincoln had no problem saying he screwed up Click To Tweet

Lincoln had no problem saying he screwed up, like in this letter to General Ulysses S. Grant:

“I write this now as a grateful acknowledgement for the almost inestimable service you have done the country. I wish to say a word further. When you reached the vicinity of Vicksburg… I never had any faith, except a general hope that you knew better than I that the expedition could succeed… I feared it was a mistake. I now wish to make the personal acknowledgement that you were right, and I was wrong.”

He trusted the judgment of the people who were on the front lines. This is one of the hallmarks of good military and corporate leadership.

Leadership that works in the toughest situations is democratic in its approach and values a listening style as Lincoln demonstrated. Not worrying about who gets the credit for an idea is key to influencing people.
And the greatest minds of history agree.

As Lao Tzu said: “Fail to honour people, they fail to honour you. But of a good leader, who talks little, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will all say, ‘We did this ourselves.”

#4. Encourage and Celebrate Change

What did Lincoln know about change or innovation?  Well, he’s the only U.S. President ever to patent something (I’m not sure about Trump.)

“Years before assuming the presidency, Lincoln had shown his interest in innovation when, on March 10, 1849 (at age forty), he received a patent for a new method of making grounded boats more buoyant.”

 

What does it take to increase creativity and innovation in an organisation? It is pretty simple: reward people for trying new things and don’t punish them for failing.

It is pretty simple: reward people for trying new things and don’t punish them for failing. Click To Tweet

Even during his most difficult times, Lincoln continued to call on his subordinates to screen new advances and implement ideas.

He realised that, as an executive leader, it was his chief responsibility to create the climate of risk-free entrepreneurship necessary to foster effective innovation.

 

#5. Influence People Through Storytelling

By all accounts, Lincoln was a great storyteller and leveraged this skill to win people over.

When I coach executives, a challenge that frequently emerges is the “I feel as if I hit the ceiling.” In this case, I employ a technique that quickly revives their conquering spirit. I do this simply by inviting them to tell me their STORY.

In our information-saturated age, business leaders won’t be heard unless they’re telling stories.

In our information-saturated age, business leaders won’t be heard unless they’re telling stories. Click To Tweet

Once the mood is right, I ask, “so tell me how did you get to be the CEO?” Yes, a lot of patience and I mean a whole lot is needed.  High achievers are usually overconfident, who just love talking about themselves. On the other extreme, there are those who “play humble pie” -you have to squeeze their story out of them.

Leaders who can create and share good stories have a powerful advantage over others. Their story is the fuel that keeps them going, a tool that inspires others to do the same. When I get them to reminisce on what it took for them to get to the top, suddenly, they realise they can break through any limitation.

No one really remembers facts and figures and all the rational things that we think are important in the business world. Actually, they don’t stick in our minds as well as great stories do.

Lincoln understood the power of storytelling.

“Institutions that can communicate a compelling historical narrative often inspire a special kind of commitment among employees. It is this dedication that directly affects a company’s success and is critical to creating a strong corporate legacy.”


  1. Inspired by Eric Baker. Written for Time Magazine