We’ve all made them: Relational Mistakes!  Building great relationships is one of the trickiest things in the world.

 

When done wrong, it becomes a nightmare that will haunt you for a long while. When done correctly, it becomes the greatest blessing to your life and everyone around you.

So what’s the deal? Why are so many, and I do mean many, so pathetic when it comes to dating/courting/marriage relationships? It’s easier to ask a nine-year old to drive to town for the groceries than it is to expect (some) adults to get the dating-courting-marriage thing right.

Let me share with you two relational facts – ‘Relational Laws’ that will never change and happens to be the fundamental solution to our relational unhappiness.

 

If you want to take control and “uncomplicate” your Love-life, first accept this:

 

 

Who you attract (or who you reject) in your life, and who you keep (or who you lose) in your life, essentially trickles down to this: what you VALUE.

 

Let me explain…

 

What you value is not only a question of compatibility… what you value determines what you find attractive!

I value a woman who has respect and humility. Guess what?  I found and DID marry a woman who is respectful and humble.

Some people value physical beauty, resulting in them being willing to sacrifice all other traits for physical appearance in a partner.
Others value intelligence above all else, resulting in them being willing to overlook other traits for intelligence.

 

The fact remains; what you value determines what you attract in others, which determines the kind of partners you pursue and the people you end up in relationships with.

 

So why are there so many couples who are unfulfilled, unhappy and miserable in their relationships? Well, it’s simple. They are playing the relationship game with the wrong rules. This is the reason your Facebook relationship status reads “complicated” or “divorced.”

 

Dating or courting successfully requires you to understand and avoid the following two problems:

 

 

First Problem

 

You value the wrong traits in a partner — traits that are actually incompatible with you. This eventually creates a weak relationship.

 

(Look out for my online course and new book coming soon: “Successful Dating”.  In here I deal with the difference between Compatibility and Chemistry).

It goes deeper than that. What you value also determines what you desire to cultivate and invest your time and resources in for yourself.

 

Compatibility – it is the golden key to building a marriage based on a lasting and genuine friendship.

 

 

 

Second Problem

 

You focus and work on developing the wrong traits in yourself — traits that attract people who are incompatible or a bad partner for you.

 

Have you ever seen a girl or a guy who has a good and moral upbringing lose their way?  Why does this happen?

If you are exposed and involved with a someone with values and standards that aren’t yours, it won’t be long before you find yourself becoming that person you hate. What you focus on is what you eventually become.

 

It all boils back down to what you value. Decide your values, prioritise them and then date from this position.

 

For instance, if you value spirituality and you desire to be with a person who loves God as you do, keep investing in your spiritual life.

Never change who you are or what you value, to attract someone who does not value you (or what you value).

This will transform your dating life completely!

 

What one values is important, indicating the reason why some relationships are better than others.

 

For instance, honesty generates better relationships than muscle or money.

Trust generates better relationships than power and status.

Respect generates better relationships than always being right.

These are some simple, but fundamental principles.

 

 

All of these examples will be explored in much more depth in
my course “Successful Dating”.

There are only two kinds of leadership visible in an organisation. They are Positional Leadership (PL) and Influential Leadership (IL).

 

Every position in an organisation from C-Suit to assistant team leader has some inherent power and authority that comes along with the position. Every day people are promoted or hired into one of these positions, to which they gain some extent of influence, not because they are great leaders necessarily but because of the inherent power of the position.

 

Many people think of themselves as leaders just because they hold a title, but titles never made anyone a leader because leadership is not about the title or the position.
So what type of a leader are you?

 

Are you a positional leader or a non-positional leader – a leader of influence. If you banking on a title to lead, you’ve missed it and should the title come I assure you,  you still won’t be a leader. How many leaders with titles have failed us, why, leadership is not a title or a position.

Here’s another way to look at it, how did you feel when you were required to head up a project or a project task. Inadequate? all because you felt that you “don’t have the right title?” or “position?”

It’s unfortunate so many define leadership by everything but what it is not.

Consequently, it is possible that the person who holds a position is not a leader or even understand what it means to be an authentic leader.

Most people gain position due to competencies such as; skill, experience, talent, formal education without the knowledge of true leadership.

However,

the power of influence each position holds including executive is just about 25-50%. People with actual leadership skills, occupying key positions can make a formidable difference in an organisation.

In today’s business world, every company has positional leaders and influential leaders. To be effective as an or organisation, it is important to assess where the companies leadership potential stands bearing in mind that leadership is not title or position.

As a leadership coach, my skill is to make PL aware of this leadership deficit. There are many advantageous reasons for this, for instance, increasing employee engagement, job satisfaction, and productivity.

Every company wants to toast to success, but success is highly dependent on the ratio of the number of Influential Leaders to the number of positional leaders. The greater the presence of IL in a company, the higher the chances of success and accomplishment is.

 

 

A Positional Leader vs. Influential Leader

 

#1. OPERATION

 

Positional Leader:

Positional leadership is not only the lowest level; it’s the entry level of leadership.

Anyone can be appointed as a positional leadership. PL’s operate within the paradigm of their position or title. They do not look and think beyond the responsibilities of the position. They exhibit a stiff upper lip when required to do something beyond their title. They are focused on a job description, and upon their own goal and objectives rather than the overall business or organisational goal. They are the greatest hindrance to increase and productivity.

They rely on rules, regulations, policies, and organisational organograms to control their people.

People only follow them within the stated boundaries of their authority or position.

They get things done in the office because “I am the boss!” People follow them only because they have not to want to.

PL is a poor substitute for influence.
Influential Leader:

Influential leadership is not only the highest form but the most respected form of leadership.

IL’s are hired based on a clear job description but function way beyond their roles. I.L’s operate beyond the responsibilities of the position. Their work is boundaryless.

They are more focused on organisational and business growth, motivation and engagement of the workforce.

People work matter more to than paperwork. They use their positional power and authority as a last resort.

 

 

 

#2. VISION

 

Positional Leader:

Positional leaders are not visionary.

PL are more focused on completeness of regular duties and responsibilities of their position, and safeguarding of their position from organisational politics, they challenge innovation, restructuring and change.

They operate the organisation through their positional power. When they do not have the positional power, they become powerless.

Influential Leader:

Influential Leaders are visionaries. They are not managing followers but innovative trail blazers.

They are not managing followers but innovative trail blazers. IL’s understand it is not enough to create an organisational vision, strategy and roadmap but invest their time fostering a culture of “vision buy-in” or ownership. You know you’ve achieved vision buy it when the 8 to 5 mindset flies out of the window, and your staff are willing to stay until the job gets done. IL’s relentless remind everyone about the importance of the future to develop sustained business success.

IL’s are a cut above the rest. The bottom line is as important as celebrating the success.  Productivity is important to them but not as important as the relationship.

#3. TEAMWORK

 

Positional Leader:

They have subordinates, not team members.

Positional leaders are not employee centric. Their personal job security is more important than multiplying their department’s effectiveness. They do not recruit the best in class talents for the team, why? To safeguard their own position.

Most of the time, the team of a positional leader is mediocre, uninspired, resulting in a lower level of organisational performance and effectiveness. And in the case of the team producing a high output, the moral is usually very low.

PL’s tend to hire other people who look like them, who think like them. Resulting in an imbalance of the team’s chemistry. If everyone on the team is all good at the same thing, some are unnecessary.

A positional leader will never encourage their team members to increase knowledge through personal development to improve professional and personal qualities.

They do not believe on the philosophy of lifelong learning, and they do not like to grow the capabilities of their own team members either because of their positional mindset and pessimistic attitude.
They have reservations sharing their knowledge or experience for fear of being replaced by their subordinates.
Influential Leader:

Influential Leaders are very much employee centric.

They know the fact that ongoing personal development and individual/team coaching is the catalyst of top quality talents in the team, which improves overall organisational performance and effectiveness.

They think less of the titles and positions and more inline with how to grow the business by building a high-performance team. They always invest in employees’ education, professional and personal development. A real leader of influence creates and develops more leaders.

Because of their optimistic candid style and because of their people oriented attitude, they create many followers who eventually become leaders.

 

 

#4. CULTURE

 

Positional Leader:

Positional leaders influence people through their positional power rather than personal leadership qualities.

They are not team-focused, collaborative, relationship oriented, or creative. Employees under positional leaders are demotivated, disengaged and hindered, who tend to leave promising organisations all because of bad leadership.
Influential Leader:

IL’s are focus, disciplined, self-driven, optimist, respectful, ethical, passionate, collaborative, creative, relationship oriented and harder worker. They lead by example, “Do as I do” not “Do as I say” is their motto. They are team players, approachable, accessible. The culture of the organisation is more open and approachable where everyone knows their roles and responsibilities well to achieve the organisational / business goal and objectives.

 

 

#5. COMMUNICATION

 

Positional Leader:

Positional leaders do not communicate information effectively.

They only communicate on a need to know basis. This results in many open questions, assumptions, doubts among employees and team members. A lack of communication effective communication hinders growth and trust.

Influential Leader:

I.L are excellent communicators.

They share information with their employees and team members unless it is highly confidential.

They understand the power of a welcoming, smile, or a “yes please,” or a ” may I.” Because of their open-minded communication, they gain the respect from employees.

Eventually, it helps them to influence the organisation and business more effectively towards a common vision and strategic objectives.
So what type of a leader are you?

 

 

It felt authentic, perfect as Sirius against the night carpet sky. You could feel it; we were “meant for each other.”

Aglow in love, bonded in an endless future of promises, our relationship swiftly moved from the casual dating stage to the deeper and emotionally-connected courtship stage.

We had the “perfect thing” going on, until that moment – our “first fight.” Not physical but how a mere disagreement could make us feel so distraught was beyond explainable!

Perhaps you can recall your first fight? For us, suddenly everything changed.

A new bell was added to our relationship. Something we knew was here to stay. Suddenly, doubt and uncertainty filled our hearts, “are we meant for each other?” Prevailing thoughts that seem to dim our shining star.

It’s been fifteen years since and we’ve had many more intense fights, but we’ve overcome them all. Here’s the reason why: It’s not IF you fight, but HOW you fight that’s important.

Most couples love each other deeply, but don’t know how to fight well. We have not figured it all out as yet, however, what we are aware of, is the fact that happy or not —all couples fight and sometimes furiously.

Be that as it may, an essential part of the anatomy of a healthy and stable marriage is the knowledge on how to resolve the conflict.

 

Guidelines On How To Deal With Conflict:

 

 

#1. Start Slow and Soft

 

Begin your discussion with the correct tone. “A gentle answer turns away anger”.

Next state your complaint about a specific action you may have disliked. In doing so,  you NEVER condemn your spouse. You are permitted to complain, but DON’T blame.

Describe what is happening to your feelings about what has been said or done, but don’t evaluate and judge.

Talk calmly about what you need to and NEVER bring up past resentments and failures.

Here is an example “… last night at the restaurant before everyone at the dinner table, you said, ‘I’ve picked up a tonne of weight.’ That was unexpected and hurt me. Please don’t speak about my weight again before anyone; I’ve just had our baby.”

 

 

 

#2. Words Break Or Build 

 

It’s easy for emotions to get out of hand, and to become malefic, using our words to hurt and break each other.

However, it’s essential to learn how to find ways to repair the damage with your words and deeds. When emotions go berserk, REMEMBER, the goal in dealing with conflict, the proper way is to de-escalate the emotionalism and get the conversation back on a constructive track.

This requires both emotional and spiritual maturity. It’s important that one of you has both oars in the water when you both feel like flying off the handle.

 

#3. Empathy Deepens Your Marriage and Friendship   

 

The ability to understand and share the feelings of another can work miracles in your marriage.

Unless you are willing to make TRUE effort to understand your spouse’s way of thinking and feelings; empathy will not work for you.

Empathy deepens your marriage and friendship and can be applied in the following ways:

Awareness — Be aware of what your spouse is feeling and what’s behind that feeling.

Awareness starts with being observant around your spouse.

Agenda — Set aside your own agenda and focus on the needs of your spouse.

Agenda is all about being selfless INSTEAD of selfish. It’s about putting your spouse’s needs before your own.

Action — Take action on meeting the needs of your spouse.

Actions speaks louder than words, but attitudes speak louder than actions. Whatever you do for your spouse, do it with a cheery attitude.

 

 

 

#4. Make Each Other Bigger Than The Problem

 

Acknowledging the problem is important, but making your marriage bigger than the problem is priority.

Making your marriage bigger than any problem can be achieved as follows:

WORK TOGETHER at getting to the root of the problem.

SEARCH FOR SOLUTIONS together.

CONSIDER EACH other’s point of view.

ARRIVE AT A COMPROMISE, find a way to resolve it and arrive at a compromise.

SOLUTIONS, come up with solutions.

SELECT A SOLUTION that you are both happy with and can carry it out.

BE DETERMINED to make amends or to make up for wrong doings.

RESOLVE to prevent a recurrence.

#5. Accept The Things Your Dislike In Each Other

 

 

The same personality traits that attracted you to your spouse in the first place, become the things that you may grow to dislike.

It’s great, for example, to have a responsible husband who is punctual, neat and orderly. You never have to wait for him, pick up after him, do his chores or worry whether he’ll pick up the kids on time. If he says he will do it, you know he will. BUT, oftentimes such husbands may be rigid about others following rules and are inflexible.

We can be annoyed by the same traits that initially attracted us to each other. Remember during your dating or courting stage you raved about how ambitious and driven your spouse was. When conflict showed up, you now call him a ‘self-absorbed workaholic’.
The truth is, not all issues can be resolved. This is a time to accept what you can’t change and trust God to change what you can’t.

 

Since the Garden of Eden, a woman’s power over men has not lessened. Today, the advertising industry exploits this power in order to sell everything from cars to jets. Magazines, billboards, store windows and the internet use women… seductive women, and sensual images to possess a man’s undersense and clutch his attention.

Every day men walk away from their wives, children, friends, parents, siblings—risking career and reputation. For what? Another woman!

A woman is so powerfully created, so remarkably influential, God’s credendum to tame her was submission – to her husband.

Consider the power of Delilah. Samson whom she seduced could take on an army of warriors, but he surrendered to the charms of one woman.

Take King David who faced and neutralised Goliath, a giant; yet was conquered by Bathsheba. David was so obsessed, he was drawn away from his God into immorality, lies and ultimately murder.

Consider Solomon who ruled over the golden years of Israel, the wisest of all, but fell under the spell of the power of women.
God made a woman deadly attractive and at the same time death was not the Designers’ original purpose for this fascinating and enchanting creature. She was designed to give life! For example, the name Eve means ‘life giver’.

 

Feminity is the power to give life not to destroy it.

 

Eve was created to complete Adam, to nurture life in him and to create new life with him through the birthing of children.

Many wives do not understand how profound this power is. God has blessed you with a feminine ability to influence your husband’s life for the greater good.
Man was incomplete. God orchestrated the perfect arrangement for His grand finale of creation: a woman – “a suitable and compatible helper for him.” It is still true since “in the beginning” in Genesis, a wife makes a man complete and whole.

 

 

Your husband has this same need.

 

God brought you into his life to be his “helper” and to meet his companionship need. In Christian marriage, this oneness is a unity of mind, body and soul,which is celebrated through the sexual union.

Never allow yourself to feel somehow superior or unneeded. You are your husband’s most trusted advisor and greatest ally.

 

 

Adam’s ‘aloneness need’ was not just for companionship, but sexship.

 

When God made a man to be attracted to a woman, He had multiple purposes in mind.

He needed Eve for the joy of finding pleasure in her total person—body, soul and spirit—and for the affirmation and blessing of his identity as a man that came through her love for him.

Every wife has a deep, life-altering responsibility to her husband to be a helper, and to help him feel like the man God created him to be because without her, the man is incomplete and incompetent on his own in the quest to fulfil God’s purpose for them.

 

In honour of this remarkable and beautiful creature whom God created to be man’s help meet, I declare you are amazing, you are beautifully built, you are soft, gentle, and your emotional intelligence is a great asset to a man.

You are the spiritual symbolism of God’s relationship with his people, where your submission and dependence upon your husband is symbolic of the submission and dependence that God wants his people to show toward him.

 

You are celebrated today – Happy Mother’s Day 

 

 

 

Loyalty is essential for organizational and relational success. But loyalty is a two-way street. It works both ways, top-down and bottom-up. For you to benefit from what I call  The Reciprocal Success Effect…  pledging your loyalty to an organization or a relationship must be done correctly.

Do you have a desire…

to demonstrate your loyalty and seek favor from your seniors -for professional advancement -but not certain how to without seeming “fake”?

I wrote this blog, with that in my mind.

For the leader who desires to gain deeper insight in this decisive success virtue or the follower who’s aim is to become the future leader, My hope is that the seven revelations of loyalty add value to your life.

 

Read Related ArticleOVERCOMING THE BLADE OF BRUTUS

The Seven Revelations of Loyalty

 

#1. Transparency!

Are The Leaders and The Organisation Transparent?

 

You will never become loyal until you are fully persuaded about your leader, friends or organisation.

This means transparency is vital!  An organisation or relationship that’s not open about their stuff, (vision, ethos, finances…,) especially during crises, this usually indicates, something is up.

Integrity never hides or goes silent during periods of doubt and uncertainty.

 

Loyalty Demands that You be Fully Persuaded.

 

 

 

#2. Predominant Loyalty!

Loyalty Must Always Be To The Higher Authority

 

The larger your organisation grows, the more ‘authority figures’ you need to submit to.

For instance, as CEO of our ministry, I have two executives (finance and operation) under me. They have 11 Heads of Department under them, who each have one team leader and a trainee or two under them. In total, we are about one hundred leaders.

Often leaders confuse and take what I call Predominant Loyalty and direct it towards the wrong person/s.  Unless there is a serious integrity issue that threatens the stability of the organisation and its future, your Predominant Loyalty does NOT belong to your team or team leader or his leader, but to the visionary – The most senior leader in your organisation.Brutus is engraved into the monument of history for diverting predominant loyalty.

Brutus the name is engraved on the monument of history for diverting predominant loyalty.

I have seen over the years, leaders who end up in resentment, bitterness or offence how they have crafted stories to destroy predominate Loyalty towards the visionary in their subordinates.

 

Loyal must always remain to the higher authority.

 

 

 

#3. Clarity!

Never Withhold or Distort Information

 

Remain transparent before your team and open to your seniors at all times. Withholding information regarding anything that can harm the vision or relationship is considered sabotage through dishonesty and betrayal.

Withholding information regarding anything that can harm the vision or relationship is considered sabotage through dishonesty and betrayal.

Grievances must be resolved in its infant stage. If not, it will erupt into something unpleasant and costly.
If you cannot effectively deal with a grievance and you know it could harm the organisation, NEVER neglect it. Escalate it to your direct report Timeously and CLEARLY then follow it up.

 

 

Read Related Article: INTEGRITY THE SYMBOL OF LEADERSHIP

Loyalty Demands Tranparancy

#4. Principles!

Loyalty is Based on Principle, Not Emotion

 

Decisions based on emotion and not principle are always bizarre and capricious!

Be weary of “tantrum throwers,” “attention seekers,” “drama queens and kings.” Such are spiritually and emotionally immature and threaten organisational stability and growth. Never neglect these ‘crying babies’, confront them and help them to heal or exit.

 

 

Loyalty is Based on Principle, Never Emotion.

 

 

 

#5. Sacrifice!

Loyalty Will Cost You Because Everything Has a Price

 

Everything has a price.

You’ll feel one of two things when people exist your life: pain or pleasure. When you love people and desire only what’s best for them, and they exit your life or organisation on the wrong terms, this experience can get you all torn apart.

On the other hand,  learning to accept a disloyal person’s exit is necessary for your protection and future success, and eventually acceptance solicitudes the pain.

 

 

#6. Comfort!

Loyalty will Cost You Physical Things

 

Have you ever wondered why a CEO would just “walk away from it all?” INTEGRITY!
The highest degree of loyalty is what I call “Self Loyalty.” If you can’t respect yourself, you will not respect others.   You can lie to everyone all the time, but you can’t lie to yourself at any time.

I’ve noticed over time as I studied the mannerisms of loyal people, who walked away from it all, compared to treacherous people who ‘resign with immediate effect.’

The difference is, disloyal people never leave silently, like Lucifer, who took one-third of the angels with them, their departure must cause some kind of damage, to satisfy their vindictive motives.    Even long after they’ve left, they continue to broadcast damaging information about the organisation and its leaders.

On the other hand, a loyal person who operates in integrity may walk away from an organisation, but the difference is, he would NEVER  slander it leadership (especially over social platforms,) even if they are in the wrong.

Think about it? Which ethical organisation would not want to hire and work with a leader like this?

 

Disloyalty is Professional Suicide

 

#7. Testing!

Until You Are Tested You Will Never Know

 

No person is found loyal until they have been sufficiently tested. The Character of a Leader is more superior than the talent of a leader, the knowledge of a leader, the experience of a leader,  the skill of a leader

It’s unwise to get carried away by a person’s gift, title or stature without TESTING their character first.

A mistake I’ve made that cost me and my teams tremendous pain and loss of organisational momentum.

Test every vessel before you use them.

 

Loyalty is tested through three ways: Time, Trials and Testing of Heart

 

 

 

Loyalty is a reciprocal success factor.  You must learn this life skill to protect the things that are dear to your heart.

 

Then there’s marriage, yes, one of the BIGGEST decisions you will make in life. Joining yourself up to another person for the rest of your life is the riskiest business ever!

Are there some guidelines? Can one enter marriage being;

POLLYANNA ?

 

Although you are not guaranteed a happy, divorce-proof marriage – wisely PREPARING, greatly enhances your chances, towards the most exciting phase of your life.

 

 

Related article: OUR MARRIAGE WAS NOT ALWAYS AN EASY ROAD

 

Here are some of the questions you should ask yourself, what many wish they’d known  before vowing the big “I DO”

 

These are also the secrets of the happiest couples, almost like a mathematical formula for deciding who to marry.

10 Questions Before You Tie The Knot

 

#1. Do We Care about Each Other as True Friends Do?

When you’re getting serious about someone, don’t ask: “Are we in love?” The question to first ask instead is: “Are we becoming True Friends?”

Another word for marriage is FRIENDSHIP. If you marry for “love” your marriage will be based on chemistry (feelings), but if you marry for friendship, your marriage will be built on loyalty and trust.

I love this quote, “Good friends care for each other, close friends understand each other, but TRUE FRIENDS stay forever. Beyond words, beyond distance & beyond time.”

“True Love” often gets confused for infatuation, romance – things that are essentially selfish.

This type of “love” is sandy ground and not a good reason to get married, but friendship is. True Friendship is made of true love. This kind of friendship is not self-centered. Real love is about giving and caring about another person’s life.

In ancient Biblical wedding ceremonies, the bride and groom are given seven blessings. The couple is blessed not once, but twice; declaring they should become “beloved friends.”

“I’m watching you, hearing you, paying attention to you. I’ve put it all together and have arrived at the conclusion that you and your life mean something to me.”  This is the essence of real love and friendship.

Make sure you are friends first and then lovers. A lover who is not your friend can easily hurt you. A friend who is your lover will never hurt you. And if they do, they will make every effort to repair the hurt the same way you would with your best friend. Friends care about each other’s happiness and well-being.

 

#2. Are We Vulnerable and Emotionally Honest with Each Other?

Two people who cannot be emotionally open with each other can never have true INTIMACY.

When we share our feelings with another, we connect and feel close to that person.

Expressing feelings makes us vulnerable. It’s dangerous. This is why many are afraid to share what they feel. BUT, with the person you’re considering marrying, you must be sure you feel safe.

How do you know if the two of you are emotionally open and honest?

The next time you have a conversation with your partner, ask him or her, “What do you feel about me right now?” or “How does what I just said make you feel?” or “How do you think about me, now that you know my past?”

If you can communicate like this with each other consistently, you have the potential for building an intimate relationship based on true friendship. If not, WALK AWAY!

 

 

#3. Do We Consistently Reach Win/Win Resolutions In Our Problems?

 

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.

The reason is that marriage is not only made of happiness, but problems!

Consequently, to get married, you must be sure you have great communication skills.

I remember during our courtship stage, my wife and I spoke for hours on the phone and felt very ‘connected’, but that didn’t mean we were good communicators. Don’t mistake good chemistry for good communication.

I know this doesn’t sound very romantic, but it’s very realistic.

The only way you know if you have good communication is when you have problems.

A disagreement of any kind, small or large, reveals how good or bad a communicator you are. Oh boy, how I sucked!

The goal of good communication is simple; reach a win-win solution. If you can remember to practice this principle when you are finished talking and both of you feel good about the solution, you reduce the possibilities of ‘bad feelings’ on either side.

Why is this important? Problems that don’t get fully resolved turn into resentments. When resentments build – love and intimacy departs.

The problem is not the problem. How we communicate about the problem is the problem.

 

#4. Do We Take Care of Each Other’s Needs?

 

One of the most important principles of marriage is: If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.

Taking care of each other’s needs is about wanting to give each other pleasure. Being a giver is probably the most important character trait to have for getting married.

The day you stop giving is the day your marriage dies. People are naturally takers. It takes lots of effort to become a genuine giver.

Giving in order to get something back is being a taker.

An important question to ask yourself is, “Do I enjoy giving to this person or do I find it burdensome?”

Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages, suggests that each of us has a dominant love language or emotional need that makes us feel loved when another “speaks” that language to us. They are gifts, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation and physical touch. What is your partner’s love language? Do you enjoy taking care of this need?

Giving builds love. Taking destroys it.

 

#5. Do We Admire And Respect Each Other?

 

We need to respect and admire the person we marry.

We respect a person’s good character, life’s aspirations, goals and the good deeds accomplished… NOT their looks!

How do you talk to each other? If you truly respect someone, you talk to that person with respect and dignity.

Do you criticize or put each other down?
Are you patient or impatient with each other?
Do you make jokes about the other person in front of others and then try to cover it by saying, “I was only kidding?”

One of the biggest ways that couples demonstrate a lack of respect for each other is by criticizing each other publicly, before the children, family or friends.

This is immature and childish. Mature people who respect each other don’t disrespect each other. They are consistently up front, open, honest and respectful.

 

#6. Mr, Are You Ready to Take Responsibility for a Wife and Family?

 

The strongest need of a woman is to be cherished.

The three A’s of cherishing a woman are Attention, Affection and Appreciation.

Neglect DESTROYS a woman’s spirit.

Making your wife feel loved and cherished is not just a nice idea; it’s a Biblical obligation.

 

#7. Miss, Do You Believe in Him?

 

Your man needs your respect and support, more than your love. He needs you to believe in him more than your touch.

Men today are under so much pressure and so many demands are made on them. The one place he DOESN’T need to feel more pressure is at home. He needs you to believe that he is trying hard to provide for you and the needs of the family. The cruellest thing a wife can do is nag her husband. If he is a good man and he is trying hard, give him your love, not your list of demands.

So before you commit your life to him, make SURE your motives are pure. Don’t have any hidden agenda or unexpressed expectations.
Be upfront.

If you decide to be his wife, then be his friend as well. Don’t turn on him.

 

#8. Do I Trust This Person Completely?

 

The emotional foundation of love is trust.

Without complete trust, you can’t build love.

Essentially trust is captured in the question, “Are you there for me?”

A great marriage is built on solid trust. Can I trust that you will provide a safe home for my feelings and needs? Can I be sure I can be vulnerable with you? Am I afraid you will abandon, reject or shame me?

A key way to build trust is by respecting and validating someone’s feelings. Listening to someone’s feelings is one of the greatest acts of kindness we can perform.

If you don’t trust each other with your feelings, think twice about getting married.

 

#9. Do We Want the Same Things Out of Life?

 

One of two things happens in a marriage: People either grow together or grow apart.

Spiritual compatibility is one of the best ways to ensure you’ll grow together.

This means you are on the same page in terms of your values, priorities and life goals.

Rabbi Noah Weinberg of blessed memory would often teach that life’s most important question is, “What am I living for?”

Until you can answer this question, you have no business getting married.

Marriage is risky. Two people who don’t know what they’re living for may have a difficult time growing together and staying together in the long run.

A soul mate is a goal mate.

 

#10. Do I Have Peace of Mind About This Decision?

To have peace of mind you have to identify and resolve two things: the things that bother you about getting married and things that bother you about marrying this person.

To identify everything that bothers you, you must be ruthlessly honest with yourself and listen to your feelings. If you don’t have peace of mind about marrying this person, track down the reason. If you are diligent, you’ll discover the reason why you are dragging your feet.

If you can’t track it down through your efforts, see a competent relational coach to help you.

Related article: 10 Women Men Should Never Marry

 

 The wisdom compressed in the book of Proverbs is filled with practical life and leadership lessons for the business leader.  Proverbs 26 provides us with 11 leadership principles that can advance you in the marketplace.

 

 

1) Seek Favour with Your Boss and Honour Him in His Absence  

  v.1 “Like snow in summer or rain in harvest, honor is not fitting for a fool.”

  • It takes a tremendous amount of character to celebrate somebody’s success (especially the success of someone you greatly desire) and an enormous amount of integrity is required to protect their reputation even when they are in the wrong.
  • Protecting your brands’ reputational value is as important as protecting your boss’ reputation, even if you don’t agree. These two things are irreplaceable!

2) Master Self-discipline before You Expect it from Others

v. 4 “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, Lest you also be like him.”

 

  • If you are full of yourself, full of your own opinions and speculations, how can someone else pour their wisdom into your life?
  • In the presence of someone everyone admires, never try to dominate the conversation.
  • “The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself” – Pluto.
  • Self-discipline keeps us humble, healthy, focused and productive.

 

 

3) Reward Only What You Want Repeated

 

v. 5 “Answer a fool according to his folly, Lest he be wise in his own eyes.”

 

  • Never reward behaviour you don’t want to be repeated.  
  • Effective leaders do what is required to make the organisation successful when they act decisively regarding behaviour the organisation does not want to be repeated. The leader may see this in you, take it like a winner! 

4) Don’t take it Personal if Your Boss does not Tell You Everything

v. 6 “He who sends a message by the hand of a fool Cuts off his own feet and drinks violence.”

  • Only a fool utters his mind. Recognise when to speak and when not to. Something being ‘outspoken’ is not virtuous.
  • Proverbs tell us a wise man keeps his words in “till afterwards!” After what? After he lets passion and anger dissipate, only then can he speak prudently.
  • Samson uttered all his heart before Delilah and it cost him greatly!

 

5) Respect Your Boss’s Time

 

v. 7 “Like the legs of the lame that hang limp Is a proverb in the mouth of fools.”

  • Be punctual and if you are late, apologise!  (See my article The Integrity Of Punctuality)
  • “Employee theft” is a crime. Never steal: Money (the most common asset stolen), Time (claiming for hours you’ve never worked), Supplies (pens, computers, paper clips), Company Property (products that are sold) and Information (stealing designs or ‘trade secrets’).

6) Value The Opportunities Afforded You

v. 8 “Like one who binds a stone in a sling Is he who gives honour to a fool.”

  • Expressing your appreciation for your job can go a long way in cementing professional relationships and improving your long-term career prospects.
  • Be sincere and intentional about expressing appreciation for your current employment opportunity. This will set you apart from the rest.
  • All truly successful people are grateful people.

7) Improving Your Leadership Intuition

v. 9 “Like a thorn that goes into the hand of a drunkard Is a proverb in the mouth of fools.”

  • Learn the difference between doing things right vs. doing the right thing. The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. This is The Law of Intuition.  one of the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership that I coach.
  • “Efficiency is doing things right; effectiveness is doing the right things” – Peter Drucker.

8) Respect the Law of Cause and Effect

 

v. 10 “The great God who formed everything Gives the fool his hire and the transgressor his wages.”

  • What you sow is what you will reap in life and at work.
  • Adorn yourself with the right attitude in the workplace; have a pleasant smile, be generous with your knowledge, avoid negative people, gossipers and lazy people.
 

9) Learn From Your Mistakes 

 

v. 11 “As a dog returns to his own vomit, So a fool repeats his folly.”

  • Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, be afraid of making the same mistake.
  • A mistake repeated is a decision.  
  • You are hired to solve problems, you get fired when you become a problem.
 

10)  Commit to Continuous Self-Development

 
v. 12 “Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”
 
  • Continuous self-development is where individuals commit themselves to improving their knowledge and understanding throughout their careers.
  • It is not the “Doing” that changes things, it is the “Being.” You cannot give what you don’t have.
 
Most employees have great potential reaching the top, but they are not even aware of their particular incompetencies. When you know what your unique strengths are, you discover your potential. This process is an important stepping stone towards making your company successful!
This is also a  possible “career part” for you, but it will require great dedication and self-sacrifice on your part. By committing to self-development and learning, you increase your ability to do your work more proficiently than what most people are competent in.
Here is where you add value and make yourself “irreplaceable.”
Learn to achieve tasks with a winning attitude and win uphill battles for your organisation like nobody else can.
The wave of success is waiting for you to ride it!