Love without communication is impossible. In relationships, conflict is inevitable, combat is optional. Effective communication is the ability to turn conflict away from combat and towards connection. Deepen your emotional connection enhances romance and success.
My new book (common soon) “The Boxing Ring of Marriage – Love isn’t enough” illustrates how couples relationship require more than love (as we understand it) to be successful. In fact, only two skills are required, they are; Effective Communication Skills and Conflict Resolution Skills. Yes, this does not arouse any romanticism, but what if I told you, it changes everything.
The magnitude of the effectiveness of communication and conflict resolution skills are two extremely significant aspects of a healthy relationship – or for that matter, a good relationship of any kind; friendships, business partnerships, client relationships and including marriage.
Amongst other concepts, there are three effective Communication Models, my book focuses on, providing couples with practical insights they can use to improve their communication and conflict resolution skills.
The first communication model is by Mark Murphy (Leadership expert), on his:
Four Different Styles of Communication:
(Analytical, Intuitive, Functional and Personal)
In Murphy's model, I help couples, how they can better understand when each speaks.
The second communication model is by Dr. David Olson (Professor of family social science). On his Couples Relational Dynamics, which centres around four personal and interpersonal dynamics; Assertiveness, Confidence, Avoidance and Partner Dominance.
In Olson’s model, I help couples create a “positive cycle” by focusing on and improving two dynamics, Assertiveness (a person’s ability to express their thoughts, feelings, and opinions to their partner…) and Confidence (focuses on how good a person feels about himself/herself). Instead of revolving around a “negative cycle”.
The tendency for unhappy couples, where one or both individuals are low in assertiveness and self-confidence, and high in avoidance and partner dominance.
The last communication model is The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman ( Family and marriage expert). Another powerful relationship building tool – that helps couples effectively communicate.
Now remember, in relationships, conflict is inevitable but combat is optional. If you can learn how to use the art of effective communication – you can turn conflict away from combat, towards into deeper emotional connection.
Most couples who have not learned the art of effective communication will inevitably experience what I call this a “Love Plateau”.
A Love Plateau is when a couple or one of them say or think, “I feel like he/she doesn’t love me.” “I don’t know what else to do. I try to show her that I love her.” If you ever felt this way, “My partner does not love me,” “What do they want?” Chapman says the answer lies in understanding the 5 Love Languages. Obviously, people are at different levels and depending on the current condition of their relationship most find —they see an immediate response What are the 5 Love Languages?
1. Words of Affirmation: Key phrase: Words speak louder than action. For someone whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation. Actions don’t always speak louder than words. In fact, words speak much louder than action. So, if this is your love language; then you will agree; Compliments, mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” “You can do it” “You look amazing today!” These words are important but, hearing the reasons behind those words, that’s the thrilling part! This lifts the person’s spirit! Insults or a lack of words of affirmation can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
2. Quality Time: Key phrase: Love is spelt T.I.M.E In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” more like “full, undivided attention,” or “us time.” Often couples may be together, but it’s not “us time”. If the TV, cell phone, or computer are present. For this type of persons; “postponing a date is a big deal!” or “distractions,” or the failure to listen and hear can be very hurtful.
3. Receiving Gifts: Key phrase: This is not materialism but love and thoughtfulness. The receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift – not the gift! If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that: You are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. So a missed birthday, anniversary, or a thoughtless gift would be disastrous!
4. Acts of Service: Key phrase: Anything you do to ease the burden of. You will be amazed how simple chores such as Vacuuming the floor, drying the dishes, are expressions of love, to someone who’s love language are Acts of Service. See, anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities speaks volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” “Sweetheart, I’ll drop the kids,” “Honey, don’t worry, I’ll bread and milk.” Things such as Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them, tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
5. Physical Touch: Key phrase: Physical touch is more about, Physical Presence and Accessibility. This language isn’t all about the bedroom. Or gestures such as; hugs, or holding hands. Physical touch is more about Physical Presence and Accessibility than it is about Physical touch. These two dynamics are crucial, because neglecting these gestures, can be unforgivable and destructive. Remember this is more about the thought and the effort that went into buying the git that the gift itself. Remember this is more my Physical Presence and my Accessibility towards hear. Here’s the reason for break down in relationships and corrasion of connection.
We communicate love, based on our love language. We should communicate love, based on our spouse’s love language. For instance, in the past when my wife and I experienced a fight, I would buy her gifts to make up. While she accepted it and it made things better, but the real way into her heart was not through a gift, but Physical Touch.
I hope this is beginning to show the value of the love language! You may do your free assessment on the Five Love Language http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/