Having the wrong partner in your relationship is not something to be taken lightly. It can break your heart, and worse, it can ruin your life, future, and even the people who rely on you. I’ve coached couples professionals for almost twenty years and love helping singles, dating or courting couples. In this post, you will learn some of the “divine clues” that can guide women in identifying the right man for them. Hope you will enjoy it!

1. He doesn’t Corrupt Your Character

Remember God said to Adam “cultivate Eve” not to corrupt your wife. When those closest to you start saying things like “you changed” or “you’re not the same.” These a signs that the man you’re with is a bad influence over your life. 

“Divine Clues” He’s the One! Click To Tweet

2. He Makes Sacrifices

If you keep sacrificing your “last Rolo” this is a sign that he doesn’t love you. If a man truly loves you, he will also make sacrifices for you. It may not be a divine sacrifice like what God did, but it can be sacrificing his own ambition, material possessions, his last Rolo and other important stuff. King Solomon was willing to forsake his throne for Mrs Solmon. I call this the law of pursuit… Don’t miss this one!  

3. He Preachers What He Practices 

Even though he speaks the words of God, if he doesn’t practice them, you can conclude that he’s only a great pretender and not really the guy sent to you by Heaven. Words are futile without actions, correct? So if he says you are the most important thing in his life but does not subscribe to that in-action he does not love you! If you are an option, you have your divine sign. 

4. He Doesn’t Isolate You

 When he shuts you off from anyone outside of the partnership, it means he is obsessed with controlling you.  An abusive partner uses isolation tactics, to isolate you from your support networks. Such as your mother, siblings, friends, Church. Hear this very carefully; isolation is an early sign of abuse. Not only do you have a right to “certain” relationships and friendships, but to your individuality.  

 

Dating Readiness - What Nobody's Told You!

Dating Readiness – What Nobody’s Told You!

5. He Does Not Criticise You 

Habitual criticism can corrode the very foundation of your relationship and that’s not an overstatement! Criticism is so critical, it is one of the top predictors of divorce and spells disaster for the non-married. That said, no one expects one to just roll over and accept all of your partner’s less-than-desirable qualities. Inevitably, you’re going to have complaints. But how you choose to communicate these grievances to your partner is what matters. I teach communication extensively in my in coaching. If he uses hurtful words and insensitive and mindless actions during moments of conflict, disagreements, you have a “red flag” you just cannot ignore! 

Check out plenty more resources on relationships:   1. Four Steps out Of Your Marriage Crisis

 

 

 

Love without communication is impossible. In relationships, conflict is inevitable, combat is optional. Effective communication is the ability to turn conflict away from combat and towards connection. Deepen your emotional connection enhances romance and success.

 

My new book (common soon) “The Boxing Ring of Marriage Love isn’t enough”  illustrates how couples relationship require more than love (as we understand it) to be successful. In fact, only two skills are required, they are; Effective Communication Skills and Conflict Resolution Skills. Yes, this does not arouse any romanticism, but what if I told you, it changes everything.

The magnitude of the effectiveness of communication and conflict resolution skills are two extremely significant aspects of a healthy relationship – or for that matter, a good relationship of any kind; friendships, business partnerships, client relationships and including marriage.

Amongst other concepts, there are three effective Communication Models, my book focuses on, providing couples with practical insights they can use to improve their communication and conflict resolution skills. 

The first communication model is by Mark Murphy (Leadership expert), on his: 

 

Four Different Styles of Communication:

(Analytical, Intuitive, Functional and Personal)

 

In Murphy's model, I help couples, how they can better understand when each speaks.

 

 

 

The second communication model is by Dr. David Olson (Professor of family social science). On his Couples Relational Dynamics, which centres around four personal and interpersonal dynamics; Assertiveness, Confidence, Avoidance and Partner Dominance.

In Olson’s model, I help couples create a “positive cycle” by focusing on and improving two dynamics, Assertiveness (a person’s ability to express their thoughts, feelings, and opinions to their partner…) and Confidence (focuses on how good a person feels about himself/herself). Instead of revolving around a “negative cycle”.

The tendency for unhappy couples, where one or both individuals are low in assertiveness and self-confidence, and high in avoidance and partner dominance.

The last communication model is The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman ( Family and marriage expert). Another powerful relationship building tool – that helps couples effectively communicate.

Now remember, in relationships, conflict is inevitable but combat is optional. If you can learn how to use the art of effective communication – you can turn conflict away from combat, towards into deeper emotional connection.

Most couples who have not learned the art of effective communication will inevitably experience what I call this a “Love Plateau”.

A Love Plateau is when a couple or one of them say or think, “I feel like he/she doesn’t love me.” “I don’t know what else to do. I try to show her that I love her.” If you ever felt this way, “My partner does not love me,” “What do they want?” Chapman says the answer lies in understanding the 5 Love Languages. Obviously, people are at different levels and depending on the current condition of their relationship most find —they see an immediate response What are the 5 Love Languages?

1. Words of Affirmation: Key phrase: Words speak louder than action. For someone whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation. Actions don’t always speak louder than words. In fact, words speak much louder than action. So, if this is your love language; then you will agree; Compliments, mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” “You can do it” “You look amazing today!” These words are important but, hearing the reasons behind those words, that’s the thrilling part! This lifts the person’s spirit! Insults or a lack of words of affirmation can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

2. Quality Time: Key phrase: Love is spelt T.I.M.E In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” more like “full, undivided attention,” or “us time.” Often couples may be together, but it’s not “us time”. If the TV, cell phone, or computer are present. For this type of persons; “postponing a date is a big deal!” or “distractions,” or the failure to listen and hear can be very hurtful.

3. Receiving Gifts: Key phrase: This is not materialism but love and thoughtfulness. The receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift – not the gift! If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that: You are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. So a missed birthday, anniversary, or a thoughtless gift would be disastrous!

4. Acts of Service: Key phrase: Anything you do to ease the burden of. You will be amazed how simple chores such as Vacuuming the floor, drying the dishes, are expressions of love, to someone who’s love language are Acts of Service. See, anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities speaks volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” “Sweetheart, I’ll drop the kids,” “Honey, don’t worry, I’ll bread and milk.” Things such as Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them, tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

5. Physical Touch: Key phrase: Physical touch is more about, Physical Presence and Accessibility. This language isn’t all about the bedroom. Or gestures such as; hugs, or holding hands. Physical touch is more about Physical Presence and Accessibility than it is about Physical touch. These two dynamics are crucial, because neglecting these gestures, can be unforgivable and destructive. Remember this is more about the thought and the effort that went into buying the git that the gift itself. Remember this is more my Physical Presence and my Accessibility towards hear. Here’s the reason for break down in relationships and corrasion of connection.

We communicate love, based on our love language. We should communicate love, based on our spouse’s love language. For instance, in the past when my wife and I experienced a fight, I would buy her gifts to make up. While she accepted it and it made things better, but the real way into her heart was not through a gift, but Physical Touch.

I hope this is beginning to show the value of the love language! You may do your free assessment on the Five Love Language http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/

WELCOME TO LONGEVITY COACHING


MY QUALIFICATIONS AND COACHING INSTRUMENTS

 

 

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CONSULTING, COUNSELLING, AND COACHING? 

 

https://longevitycoaching.co.za/product/book-for-couples/

 

 

BUT I HAVE NO TIME? 

 

 WHO IS LONGEVITY  FOR?

 HOW WILL LONGEVITY HELP YOU AS A   COUPLE?

 

 

 

 

 

FOR MORE INFORMATION OR TO BOOK YOUR SLOT WITH COACH SHAN

 

EMAIL ME AT / SHAN@DRSHANTHUMBRAN.COM 

CALL ME ON / +27 659813292

 


 

 

WHAT TO EXPECT AFTER YOUR CALL OR EMAIL?

 

1. You will receive a basic coaching agreement (contract) which includes:

 

Coach's Confidentiality Clause:  The Coach agrees not to disclose any information pertaining to the Client without the Client’s written consent.

Coach's Responsibilities:  The Coach's agreement to maintain the Code of Ethics and standards of behavior set out by the International Coach Federation.

The client's responsibility:   To communicate honestly, be open to feedback and assistance and create the time and energy to participate fully in the program.

Services: The clients agree to engage in the specific time and method allotted eg. weekly, or face to face, phone or via Skype.

Schedule & Fees:  The duration and cost of the coaching agreement. The sessions are payable upfront.

Cancellation and Lateness Policy:  Client agrees that it is the Client’s responsibility to notify the Coach at least 48 hours in advance of the scheduled call/meeting if the client cannot make the session.

Termination: Either the Client or the Coach may terminate this agreement at any time with 2 weeks written notice.

 

2. Take the Online Assesment

Receive online login codes: Once all payments reflect, the coach will inform you via email with a link and code to take your online assessment. Specific days and times will be locked for the first session begin with the coaching sessions.

Faith-based or Non Faith-based options: Assessments options are also available.

Confirmation: Upon completing the online assessment you will both receive an email report.


Go ahead and take this important step! 

EMAIL ME AT / SHAN@DRSHANTHUMBRAN.COM 

CALL ME ON / +27 659813292

Despite the tremendous pain that results from those who go ahead with it, the trend in our day is to accept divorce as normal as getting married.

But at LONGEVITY the “D” word is abnormal, unacceptable and abhorrent.

Divorce weakens the fabric of a healthy society. Children pay the price emotionally and academically.  Individuals entering marriage for the second time are 65 % more likely to divorce again.   The pain that two wonderful people who originally found each other and committed their lives to one purpose find they are now in a devilish battle, pushed by fear and stress, fighting for their individual lives, instead of each other and their children. Who also hired the best lawyers they can afford, to attack with all their might, the one whom they have loved with all their heart (not too long ago).  Isn’t it a crazy irony?  

But the threat of divorce, almost every time, is merely only a cry for help. Many good people who no longer can stand the pressure of a malfunctioning marriage, erroneously make the mistake, to get divorced without giving something so special, the chance it deserves.         Of course, many couples who remain remarried, are unhappy and have missed the plot altogether.  I also do not recommend that you stay together, for the sake of your children alone. I recommend you work on making your marriage so wonderful, through correct knowledge,  that the idea of splitting up would be off the radar. Very few couples know how to have a marriage -hallmarked by longevity and joy.

It’s not about how much mileage a couple has,  it is about enjoying the journey together as best friends. Remember, your marriage, children, family, and testimony to society are worth every effort you can possibly make to fight for and to protect it.

 

THE WEDDING RING, THEN THE SUFFERING

 

Marriage is not a setup for suffering and failure. It is a setup for stability and satisfaction.   You say to me Shan, “…you don’t know half of what I have to deal with.”

Let me tell you something,  …as frustrating and as confusing your particular situation may be, and as close to the brink of breaking up your family you may be, there is a truth that I know, and I need you to know it too. The investment it requires to transform your marriage into everything you ever dreamt, is much less of an ordeal than you think.

The issues you think are crippling and killing your marriage are actually solvable.

SOLUTIONS EXIST

If you take the right actions, your marriage can take a turn in the right direction. You will get what you want if you know what you want. When you know what to do (knowledge) and if you do what you know (wisdom), you can change your relational status. It does not require you to be an expert. The most complicated problems require the most simple solutions. The hope and help you need exist within your marriage, all you have to do is to learn to look for it. It takes love and commitment that makes a marriage resilient and fun.  Your emotional connection and spiritual intimacy are two treasures you must cherish and protect.

This means the conditions for success can be created by you, off-course when you know-how. 

FOUR STEPS OUT OF A MARRIAGE CRISIS

1. Decide you will have the best marriage on earth 

 

Put on the war boots of enthusiasm and do what you need to do, to improve your marriage.  Be as determined as the ant. An ant can withstand pressures up to 5,000 times greater than its own body weight. It is astonishing once you discover how much marital pressure you are able to carry and more importantly – overcome!

But, it will require determination.

Determination,

is the underlying principle of success in every area of life -including marriage.    Determined couples do not bent and break over common or uncommon marital pressure. Determination is the strength that carries you to the path of success in the midst of obstacles. The word obstacle is a compound word derived from two words, obstruction and tackle. Every obstruction in your marriage is to be tackled with determination.

You cannot succeed without determination and you cannot fail if you have.   

Discouragement,

easily settle in when you identify your marriage to the alarming decline of marital success and the increase of divorce in the world. Consequentially, this causes people give up, and giving up is the step before failure.  Giving up is the final step for a conflicted marriage simply because there is no more effort to look for solutions, even when solutions are staring you in the face.

Couples give up much too easily. How can you possibly succeed if you don’t try?   

Don’t give you!

2. Discover the laws  that make a marriage successful  

Learn the “laws” of marital bliss and focus on them. If you don’t have a silhouette of what a healthy marriage looks like,  you don’t have a standard to follow?

How can you succeed if you don’t know what you are working towards? Couples don’t divorce because of a lack of love, but a lack of knowledge. The divorce rate would drastically reduce from 60% to 2% if couples paid more attention to marital education.  The success of your marriage does not depend only upon your love for each other, but upon your knowledge and effort which makes all the difference, not the statistics!

3.  Be aware of marriage landmines   

Expecting marriage not to have conflict or stressors, is the same as expecting the sea to have waves. The idea of marriage is not to fight the waves (shipwreck). The idea of marriage is to learn how to surf the waves or to stay on top of it. You can avoid trouble when you know what it looks like. Ignorance concerning marital landmines, confirms why couples keep banging their heads against the same wall, sometimes fooled by different wallpaper. But, when a couple becomes aware of marital landmines and stressors and learn how to approach them or avoid them by developing effective communication and conflict resolution skills, they can turn their marriage in a positive direction.

 

Refer to my blog: The Anatomy of a Healthy Marriage

4. Proactively invest in your marriage  

Paint a marriage-success-silhouette and begin painting.  All healthy marriages are marked by two distinct qualities, connection, and intimacy.  In my coaching practice, I help couples learn how to connect (reconnect) emotionally and how to protect intimacy.   Emotional connection deals with the natural alignment of vision, values, and goals.  Intimacy is beyond sex. The greater the spiritual harmony the greater the marital intimacy.

Couples who build on these two levels change the landscape of love.

    

   

Its true, “blessed are the peacemakers…” but sometimes, one can find himself in a situation where every effort initiated toward forging peace seems to fuel the fire of contention, and when every well-meaning word uttered, is like throwing bullets into a fire.

So what is the science of being a peacemaker and how can you avoid being an argumentative person?

#1 Be more of a listener than a talker

Fortunately, only about 8% of people talk more than they listen. Keeping quiet is a difficult skill to master, but one necessary because you can not learn unless you listen. The more self-aware you are about the balance between talking and listening, the greater success you will have in life.

So remember, be more of a friend than an arguer.

Instead of becoming defensive, accept that the other person might not know any better or that perhaps, you may have and an insecurity issue.

When we get defensive, we make it that much harder for our conversational counterparts to hear and to accept what we’re saying. We also make it harder to really listen to what ‘they’ have to say.
Resulting, in us shadow-boxing, trying to defend our position against attacks that are not existent, wasting time, energy and relationship capital — on damage control instead of solving the problem at hand.

The next time someone says something that gets you bent out of shape, try to remember the following three words; Defend, Retaliate, Solution.

After someone has said something that causes emotional and physical convulsion and makes you want to become defensive may I suggest you adopt the follwoing approach :

Reaction 1 – Think of the first thing you want to say or do, and DON’T do that. Instead, take a deep breath. That is because the first thing you want to do is DEFEND yourself against what you perceive as an attack or offense.

Reaction 2 – Think of the second thing you want to say or do and DON’T do that, either. Take a second leap to exercise your respiratory system. That is because the second thing you want to do after being attacked is to RETALIATE. That is only going to escalate the situation and get you in hot waters.

Reaction 3 – Think of the third thing you want to say or do and then DO that. That is because once you get past defending yourself and retaliating, you have a better chance of seeking a SOLUTION.

 

Hope that help you a bit…

 

 

#2 Don’t  assume  that  what  you  know  is obvious  to  others. It  wasn’t  always  obvious to you

 

It’s easy to make assumptions. All you need is incomplete information about a situation, and an unwillingness to ask the questions you need to complete the information. This makes you an “ASSUMER!”

In the absence of complete information, you tempted to fill in the blanks with YOUR interpretation of what you see or hear. Your interpretation comes from two places:

 

1. Your past experiences that seem similar, and
2. What you’ve heard from others about them.

 

Armed with your fragmented information,

 

  • You connect dots that aren’t there.
  • Connections that don’t exist!
  • You jump to conclusions that are wrong.

 

Imagine a commercial pilot assuming information while in flight? That would be disastrous! He would never be allowed to fly an aircraft again. It is strange how we get away with being over presumptuous.

 

Assumptions are ALWAYS wrong. I have a perfect record with the assumptions I’ve made. About 90% of them have been wrong. And it’s hard to believe that I’m unique in this. So I have learned to be the precaution in this area.

#3 Challenge the behavior and not the person

 

Ineffective communication occurs when we challenge (or label) a person and not their behavior.
There is a uselessness about challenging the person and not the behavior when something they have done upsets us.

In so many areas of communication, and particularly in dispute situations, there is a focusing on what someone is perceived to be rather than the behavior they exhibit.
“Peter is lazy, James is a racist, Sharon is sexist.” can be affair labeling when we’ve not really gained a lot of information about them other than a subjective view of the person from another person’s point of view.

Such doesn’t move anything forward.

 

Remember these two principles the next time you confront someone:

1. Challenging the person and not the behavior is ineffective communication because it can induce defensiveness in the person being labeled and does not communicate what the behavior was that has upset the speaker.

2. Challenging the behavior and not the person allows for a shared review of the behavior that caused upset or concern, and there is less likelihood of defensiveness in the person whose behavior is challenged as they have not been assigned a negative label.

Have you ever been promised something from someone you regarded as a friend, and they disappointed you?  "I will be there for you", "we'll be together for a long, long time," or "I'm here to stay" -the next thing you know you're walking around with six-inch diggers thrust deep into your back?

A proper understanding of whom you call "friend" will uncomplicate your world and get you much, much further in life.

 

SO WHO IS A TRUE FRIEND?

This question, very few people step back and ponder. In fact, some people will stop reading this article, right about now. But before you shut the door on me like smoke, consider these important five important pointers:

  1. Your friends influence your mindset,
  2. Your friends affect your decision,
  3. Your friends affect your action,
  4. Your friends affect your destiny.

 

Friendships can raise you or ruin you. Hurt you or help you. Destroy you or defend you.

The question remains – who is a true friend?

 

May I suggest five important traits of a true friend:

 

1. A true friend is an elevator

 

He is the one who improves your life.

He brings out the best in you. He motivates you to pursue the straight and the narrow path. He is not a person who will persuade you to commit a crime. He will not put drugs in your hand or entice you to do something immoral -this is not a true friend! A true friend will encourage to serve God and to live right.

 

2. A true friend is an expander

 

He is one who will challenge you beyond mediocrity into the life of excellence.

He will push you, he will stretch your potential. The one who has a problem with your mediocrity and encourages you to fight it!  A true friend loves you the way you are but he loves you too much to leave you the way you are.

 

3. A true friend is lighter

 

He is one who will tell you the truth even if it means risking your friendship.

The truth is more important to him than offending you. A fake friend will withhold truth to watch you sink  -make a mistake or mess up. A genuine friend is not interested in pleasing you as much as he is in protecting you. You cannot reach your destiny with people who want to be in your "good books".

A true friend will say to you, " you cannot sleep with a woman you not married with," "you cannot buy a car that cost you more than your house". This is a genuine friend.

 

4. A true friend is a celebrater

 

A true friend is not uncomfortable with your success.

Your progress does not agitate him. A true friend celebrates your success in your absence. A fake friend sees you increase and feels intimidated, jealous and envious.

You will never increase or grow with such friends. Such people can not improve your life. Notice also the reaction of your "friends" not only during the hard times but during the good times. A true freind can handle your success.

 

5. A true friend is a lover

 

A true friend loves you for who you are not for what you have.
Wealthy people struggle most, knowing who truly loves them. The richer one becomes, the harder it is to tell who is genuine. In prosperity, your friends know you, in adversity, you know who your friends are. When you are the president of a country, you will get many Christmas card. The moment your term ends you will only get Christmas cards from true friends. Celebrities have many friends following them on social media but the moment they lose all their money and glamorous social status, they also lose all their fake friends.

It is a dangerous place when some relate to you because of something they want from you.

 

 

6. A true friend is a complimenter

 

A genuine friend is a person whose character, values and visions are similar to yours.

You are not an immoral womanizer, he is not an immoral womanizer. You are not a stealer, he is not a stealer. If you sit down with someone who is an immoral womanizer, or a stealer you soon will become one. If you continue with him, you will destroy your destiny.

 

Remember, friendships can raise you or ruin you. Hurt you or help you. Destroy you or defend you.

It takes, iron to sharpen iron as the proverbs say. When iron sharpens wood, both lose -the wood reduces in size, and the iron becomes blunt. The wood shrinks in size and the iron lose its' sharpness because the two are incompatible.

When you move with people who do not have your character, values, and vision, you will lose something.

 

SO WHO ARE YOUR FRIENDS?

I admire people who fly or own their own jet. The aesthetics of such aircraft make them so attractive. Then there’s the aerodynamics, speed, and convenience factors … owning your own jet certainly puts a whole new perspective on life. But think about it: who climbs into the cockpit of a jet without proper knowledge of the flight instru- ments—airspeed indicator, altimeter, attitude indicator…?

No one!

Would you allow an undergrad to do a coronary bypass on you with- out the knowledge of how to perform a successful surgery?

No, you wouldn’t dare.

Now why would anyone dare date someone without the proper knowledge of dating?

Any wonder why your social media relational status reads; “It’s complicated” Duh!!!

When Tom Cruise jumped up on Oprah’s couch expressing his undying love for Katie Holmes, it sent tremors of elation through the globe. They seemed the ideal couple -never truly happier!

However, to the trained eye something was wrong; (why you need a relational coach hint-hint).

Tom was 46 and Katie, 26—a significant gap in the developmental stages of life.

Guess what? Their marriage lasted ONLY seven years!

PATHETIC! Because this could have been avoided.

In my opinion, Katie may have been caught up in Tom’s power, combined with the heat of chemistry (the “love molecule” -see Dating Readiness Book) and his irresistible public reputation. Who wouldn’t refuse Tom?

I’m sure he’s a great guy. What I’m say- ing—and this is a no-brainer when you commit to a date without the correct knowledge of why you are dating—is that this is regarded as “relational suicide.”

 

 

 

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There’s the right reason and then these the dead fish reason -dating for the wrong!

No matter how trendy or successful you may be, dating for the WRONG reason is not cool!

There are important differences between successful dating and what’s trending culturally.

Discover now the RIGHT WAY REASONS FOR DATING…

 

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Imagine being armed with the knowledge to guide you when the person you’re dating says,”Will you marry me?” or “Let’s get engaged?”

This is what “dating readiness” is all about!

Here’s something else you may want to think through.

We’ve built successful businesses, written best-selling novels, summited mountains and given strangers accurate directions, yet, when we come face-to-face with someone attractive, somehow our minds go jelly on us.

Why is that?

 

I wish I could give you a straightforward answer—I can’t. There isn’t one! When it comes to people, it’s not like computer programming; it’s never clear-cut! Putting a person on Mars is easier than building a successful romantic relationship.

But if you are tired of going from one romantic catastrophe to another?

If are you keen to learn ways of cultivating your current relationship?

If getting the relational game right is important for you?

Then my New Book; Dating Readiness -What Nobody’s Told You — is for you!

Order your copy of Dating Readiness What Nobody’s Told You