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WHAT TO EXPECT AFTER YOUR CALL OR EMAIL?

 

1. You will receive a basic coaching agreement (contract) which includes:

 

Coach's Confidentiality Clause:  The Coach agrees not to disclose any information pertaining to the Client without the Client’s written consent.

Coach's Responsibilities:  The Coach's agreement to maintain the Code of Ethics and standards of behavior set out by the International Coach Federation.

The client's responsibility:   To communicate honestly, be open to feedback and assistance and create the time and energy to participate fully in the program.

Services: The clients agree to engage in the specific time and method allotted eg. weekly, or face to face, phone or via Skype.

Schedule & Fees:  The duration and cost of the coaching agreement. The sessions are payable upfront.

Cancellation and Lateness Policy:  Client agrees that it is the Client’s responsibility to notify the Coach at least 48 hours in advance of the scheduled call/meeting if the client cannot make the session.

Termination: Either the Client or the Coach may terminate this agreement at any time with 2 weeks written notice.

 

2. Take the Online Assesment

Receive online login codes: Once all payments reflect, the coach will inform you via email with a link and code to take your online assessment. Specific days and times will be locked for the first session begin with the coaching sessions.

Faith-based or Non Faith-based options: Assessments options are also available.

Confirmation: Upon completing the online assessment you will both receive an email report.


Go ahead and take this important step! 

EMAIL ME AT / SHAN@DRSHANTHUMBRAN.COM 

CALL ME ON / +27 659813292

It felt authentic, perfect as Sirius against the night carpet sky. You could feel it; we were “meant for each other.”

Aglow in love, bonded in an endless future of promises, our relationship swiftly moved from the casual dating stage to the deeper and emotionally-connected courtship stage.

We had the “perfect thing” going on, until that moment – our “first fight.” Not physical but how a mere disagreement could make us feel so distraught was beyond explainable!

Perhaps you can recall your first fight? For us, suddenly everything changed.

A new bell was added to our relationship. Something we knew was here to stay. Suddenly, doubt and uncertainty filled our hearts, “are we meant for each other?” Prevailing thoughts that seem to dim our shining star.

It’s been fifteen years since and we’ve had many more intense fights, but we’ve overcome them all. Here’s the reason why: It’s not IF you fight, but HOW you fight that’s important.

Most couples love each other deeply, but don’t know how to fight well. We have not figured it all out as yet, however, what we are aware of, is the fact that happy or not —all couples fight and sometimes furiously.

Be that as it may, an essential part of the anatomy of a healthy and stable marriage is the knowledge on how to resolve the conflict.

 

Guidelines On How To Deal With Conflict:

 

 

#1. Start Slow and Soft

 

Begin your discussion with the correct tone. “A gentle answer turns away anger”.

Next state your complaint about a specific action you may have disliked. In doing so,  you NEVER condemn your spouse. You are permitted to complain, but DON’T blame.

Describe what is happening to your feelings about what has been said or done, but don’t evaluate and judge.

Talk calmly about what you need to and NEVER bring up past resentments and failures.

Here is an example “… last night at the restaurant before everyone at the dinner table, you said, ‘I’ve picked up a tonne of weight.’ That was unexpected and hurt me. Please don’t speak about my weight again before anyone; I’ve just had our baby.”

 

 

 

#2. Words Break Or Build 

 

It’s easy for emotions to get out of hand, and to become malefic, using our words to hurt and break each other.

However, it’s essential to learn how to find ways to repair the damage with your words and deeds. When emotions go berserk, REMEMBER, the goal in dealing with conflict, the proper way is to de-escalate the emotionalism and get the conversation back on a constructive track.

This requires both emotional and spiritual maturity. It’s important that one of you has both oars in the water when you both feel like flying off the handle.

 

#3. Empathy Deepens Your Marriage and Friendship   

 

The ability to understand and share the feelings of another can work miracles in your marriage.

Unless you are willing to make TRUE effort to understand your spouse’s way of thinking and feelings; empathy will not work for you.

Empathy deepens your marriage and friendship and can be applied in the following ways:

Awareness — Be aware of what your spouse is feeling and what’s behind that feeling.

Awareness starts with being observant around your spouse.

Agenda — Set aside your own agenda and focus on the needs of your spouse.

Agenda is all about being selfless INSTEAD of selfish. It’s about putting your spouse’s needs before your own.

Action — Take action on meeting the needs of your spouse.

Actions speaks louder than words, but attitudes speak louder than actions. Whatever you do for your spouse, do it with a cheery attitude.

 

 

 

#4. Make Each Other Bigger Than The Problem

 

Acknowledging the problem is important, but making your marriage bigger than the problem is priority.

Making your marriage bigger than any problem can be achieved as follows:

WORK TOGETHER at getting to the root of the problem.

SEARCH FOR SOLUTIONS together.

CONSIDER EACH other’s point of view.

ARRIVE AT A COMPROMISE, find a way to resolve it and arrive at a compromise.

SOLUTIONS, come up with solutions.

SELECT A SOLUTION that you are both happy with and can carry it out.

BE DETERMINED to make amends or to make up for wrong doings.

RESOLVE to prevent a recurrence.

#5. Accept The Things Your Dislike In Each Other

 

 

The same personality traits that attracted you to your spouse in the first place, become the things that you may grow to dislike.

It’s great, for example, to have a responsible husband who is punctual, neat and orderly. You never have to wait for him, pick up after him, do his chores or worry whether he’ll pick up the kids on time. If he says he will do it, you know he will. BUT, oftentimes such husbands may be rigid about others following rules and are inflexible.

We can be annoyed by the same traits that initially attracted us to each other. Remember during your dating or courting stage you raved about how ambitious and driven your spouse was. When conflict showed up, you now call him a ‘self-absorbed workaholic’.
The truth is, not all issues can be resolved. This is a time to accept what you can’t change and trust God to change what you can’t.

 

Then there’s marriage, yes, one of the BIGGEST decisions you will make in life. Joining yourself up to another person for the rest of your life is the riskiest business ever!

Are there some guidelines? Can one enter marriage being;

POLLYANNA ?

 

Although you are not guaranteed a happy, divorce-proof marriage – wisely PREPARING, greatly enhances your chances, towards the most exciting phase of your life.

 

 

Related article: OUR MARRIAGE WAS NOT ALWAYS AN EASY ROAD

 

Here are some of the questions you should ask yourself, what many wish they’d known  before vowing the big “I DO”

 

These are also the secrets of the happiest couples, almost like a mathematical formula for deciding who to marry.

10 Questions Before You Tie The Knot

 

#1. Do We Care about Each Other as True Friends Do?

When you’re getting serious about someone, don’t ask: “Are we in love?” The question to first ask instead is: “Are we becoming True Friends?”

Another word for marriage is FRIENDSHIP. If you marry for “love” your marriage will be based on chemistry (feelings), but if you marry for friendship, your marriage will be built on loyalty and trust.

I love this quote, “Good friends care for each other, close friends understand each other, but TRUE FRIENDS stay forever. Beyond words, beyond distance & beyond time.”

“True Love” often gets confused for infatuation, romance – things that are essentially selfish.

This type of “love” is sandy ground and not a good reason to get married, but friendship is. True Friendship is made of true love. This kind of friendship is not self-centered. Real love is about giving and caring about another person’s life.

In ancient Biblical wedding ceremonies, the bride and groom are given seven blessings. The couple is blessed not once, but twice; declaring they should become “beloved friends.”

“I’m watching you, hearing you, paying attention to you. I’ve put it all together and have arrived at the conclusion that you and your life mean something to me.”  This is the essence of real love and friendship.

Make sure you are friends first and then lovers. A lover who is not your friend can easily hurt you. A friend who is your lover will never hurt you. And if they do, they will make every effort to repair the hurt the same way you would with your best friend. Friends care about each other’s happiness and well-being.

 

#2. Are We Vulnerable and Emotionally Honest with Each Other?

Two people who cannot be emotionally open with each other can never have true INTIMACY.

When we share our feelings with another, we connect and feel close to that person.

Expressing feelings makes us vulnerable. It’s dangerous. This is why many are afraid to share what they feel. BUT, with the person you’re considering marrying, you must be sure you feel safe.

How do you know if the two of you are emotionally open and honest?

The next time you have a conversation with your partner, ask him or her, “What do you feel about me right now?” or “How does what I just said make you feel?” or “How do you think about me, now that you know my past?”

If you can communicate like this with each other consistently, you have the potential for building an intimate relationship based on true friendship. If not, WALK AWAY!

 

 

#3. Do We Consistently Reach Win/Win Resolutions In Our Problems?

 

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.

The reason is that marriage is not only made of happiness, but problems!

Consequently, to get married, you must be sure you have great communication skills.

I remember during our courtship stage, my wife and I spoke for hours on the phone and felt very ‘connected’, but that didn’t mean we were good communicators. Don’t mistake good chemistry for good communication.

I know this doesn’t sound very romantic, but it’s very realistic.

The only way you know if you have good communication is when you have problems.

A disagreement of any kind, small or large, reveals how good or bad a communicator you are. Oh boy, how I sucked!

The goal of good communication is simple; reach a win-win solution. If you can remember to practice this principle when you are finished talking and both of you feel good about the solution, you reduce the possibilities of ‘bad feelings’ on either side.

Why is this important? Problems that don’t get fully resolved turn into resentments. When resentments build – love and intimacy departs.

The problem is not the problem. How we communicate about the problem is the problem.

 

#4. Do We Take Care of Each Other’s Needs?

 

One of the most important principles of marriage is: If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.

Taking care of each other’s needs is about wanting to give each other pleasure. Being a giver is probably the most important character trait to have for getting married.

The day you stop giving is the day your marriage dies. People are naturally takers. It takes lots of effort to become a genuine giver.

Giving in order to get something back is being a taker.

An important question to ask yourself is, “Do I enjoy giving to this person or do I find it burdensome?”

Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages, suggests that each of us has a dominant love language or emotional need that makes us feel loved when another “speaks” that language to us. They are gifts, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation and physical touch. What is your partner’s love language? Do you enjoy taking care of this need?

Giving builds love. Taking destroys it.

 

#5. Do We Admire And Respect Each Other?

 

We need to respect and admire the person we marry.

We respect a person’s good character, life’s aspirations, goals and the good deeds accomplished… NOT their looks!

How do you talk to each other? If you truly respect someone, you talk to that person with respect and dignity.

Do you criticize or put each other down?
Are you patient or impatient with each other?
Do you make jokes about the other person in front of others and then try to cover it by saying, “I was only kidding?”

One of the biggest ways that couples demonstrate a lack of respect for each other is by criticizing each other publicly, before the children, family or friends.

This is immature and childish. Mature people who respect each other don’t disrespect each other. They are consistently up front, open, honest and respectful.

 

#6. Mr, Are You Ready to Take Responsibility for a Wife and Family?

 

The strongest need of a woman is to be cherished.

The three A’s of cherishing a woman are Attention, Affection and Appreciation.

Neglect DESTROYS a woman’s spirit.

Making your wife feel loved and cherished is not just a nice idea; it’s a Biblical obligation.

 

#7. Miss, Do You Believe in Him?

 

Your man needs your respect and support, more than your love. He needs you to believe in him more than your touch.

Men today are under so much pressure and so many demands are made on them. The one place he DOESN’T need to feel more pressure is at home. He needs you to believe that he is trying hard to provide for you and the needs of the family. The cruellest thing a wife can do is nag her husband. If he is a good man and he is trying hard, give him your love, not your list of demands.

So before you commit your life to him, make SURE your motives are pure. Don’t have any hidden agenda or unexpressed expectations.
Be upfront.

If you decide to be his wife, then be his friend as well. Don’t turn on him.

 

#8. Do I Trust This Person Completely?

 

The emotional foundation of love is trust.

Without complete trust, you can’t build love.

Essentially trust is captured in the question, “Are you there for me?”

A great marriage is built on solid trust. Can I trust that you will provide a safe home for my feelings and needs? Can I be sure I can be vulnerable with you? Am I afraid you will abandon, reject or shame me?

A key way to build trust is by respecting and validating someone’s feelings. Listening to someone’s feelings is one of the greatest acts of kindness we can perform.

If you don’t trust each other with your feelings, think twice about getting married.

 

#9. Do We Want the Same Things Out of Life?

 

One of two things happens in a marriage: People either grow together or grow apart.

Spiritual compatibility is one of the best ways to ensure you’ll grow together.

This means you are on the same page in terms of your values, priorities and life goals.

Rabbi Noah Weinberg of blessed memory would often teach that life’s most important question is, “What am I living for?”

Until you can answer this question, you have no business getting married.

Marriage is risky. Two people who don’t know what they’re living for may have a difficult time growing together and staying together in the long run.

A soul mate is a goal mate.

 

#10. Do I Have Peace of Mind About This Decision?

To have peace of mind you have to identify and resolve two things: the things that bother you about getting married and things that bother you about marrying this person.

To identify everything that bothers you, you must be ruthlessly honest with yourself and listen to your feelings. If you don’t have peace of mind about marrying this person, track down the reason. If you are diligent, you’ll discover the reason why you are dragging your feet.

If you can’t track it down through your efforts, see a competent relational coach to help you.

Related article: 10 Women Men Should Never Marry

 

A man should be looking for a helpmate, not a mate to help. These are two entirely different things. The Bible tells us that he who finds a wife finds a good thing.  It doesn’t say that every woman qualifies as a good wife.

 

So what are some of the qualities that you should be looking for in a wife?  As Relational Coaches, my wife and I have been talking on the subject of Dating, Courtship and Marriage for more than a decade. We are passionate to help and see couples succeed in marriage.

I’ve managed to compile a list of 10 types of women men should NEVER marry. (Also see my article 10 TYPES OF GUYS TO PUT ON YOUR DO NOT DATE LIST)

10 Women Men Should Avoid

 

1. Deva Deborah

 

“It’s all about me” or “I’m the first and the last and the in between” – this is the motto of this kind of woman.

As a Godly man, you have direction and a vision for your life, right?  But I’m telling you Mr, if you marry a Deva Deborah, you will waste your life and your God given gifts fulfilling the vision of this woman.

Find a helpmate who will help you get to the place God has planned for you both. I’m truly blessed to celebrate a wife who supports my God given destiny.

 

 

2. Dominator Donna

 

God has established order; this woman doesn’t respect it. She believes God’s word is “old fashion” so she makes her own rules.

For this reason, she wears the pants and won’t stop trying until she has you wearing the skirt.

Don’t just walk away from this woman — drink 13 red bulls and fly!

 

 

3. Controlling Candice

 

What’s disguised as “I just care about you” is really the need for manipulative control or a heart poisoned by morbid jealousy.

Controlling Candice dominates as she strives to own your life. She makes decisions for you, especially with regards to whom you choose as friends. She can get so bad, she even decides from the menu what you will eat tonight.

She will constantly check up on you or falsely accuse you of cheating on her.

Can I “trust you” seems to be all that you talk about because of her ominous need for control.

This woman is worse than a rotten onion, she will suffocate and choke the love out of your heart.

 

4. Bible Bashing Bobby

 

Oh, she can quote the Bible better than anyone else, including the One who wrote it.  God speaks “ONLY TO ME!” -she thinks.

She is heavenly minded and earthly no good. She may know the Bible and have great knowledge, but she lacks the pearls of wisdom.

God created sex for procreation and ENJOYMENT, she’ll without sex from you because she is “fasting.”

Bible Bashing Bobby is exhausting, draining and has no joy or sense of humour. If she laughs, her face would crack. Her comfort comes only from one place, the law of the Lord.

 

5. Curvy Candy

 

This is the woman most men are drawn to. She’s built like a 1968 Ford Mustang; she has all the right curves in all the right places -sexy!

But…

just like the “trophy of the year” that’s only good for about a year and then it goes to the next best thing that comes along -this is what she is like.

I’m not saying your wife shouldn’t be attractive, this is important for most men.

Just make sure that looks aren’t the only thing that attracts you to hear, because, although a trophy will lose its shine over time, what’s on the inside -never will.

Unless God can change her heart; the woman who loves to flirt with strangers, waiters and even your friends, is not marriage material!

That last thing you want is to be married to someone who will deliberately flirt with people in front of you, let alone behind your back.

If you thinking of marrying a Curvy Candy – I suggest you think again!

 

 

6. Prideful Peggy

 

This woman has to have the best of everything—best car, biggest house, name-branded clothing. This woman is weight; she will weigh your spirit down and eventually crush your marriage.

Her identity and self-worth are wrapped up in things. Consequentially she constantly compares what she has to what others have.

She will drive a man into debt because enough will never be enough. If you hear her constantly comparing herself to others, keeping this woman happy will feel like a root canal without anaesthetic!

 

7. Faulty Felicia

 

This woman never shuts up!
She finds faults in everything and in everyone.  Over time she will sound like a leaking roof that never stops -anonying!

 

 

8. Addicted Alicia

 

This woman lives in the past, looking in the rearview mirror of life.

Her life’s anthem is the song of defeat “somebody did me wrong” she sings to everybody and anybody who will listen.

She’s like a ‘sushi train’ – she continually rotates her failures and losses of life.

Often this woman will battle addictions, whether it’s drugs, alcohol, promiscuity or food. Her pains will become your worst nightmare.

Remember you are looking for a helpmate, not a mate to help.

 

9. Paranoid Pricilla

 

This woman is afraid of everything—afraid to speak, afraid to drive, afraid to fly, afraid to try anything new.

Sir, believe me, “Paranoid Pricilla” will hold you back from becoming the gift you were meant to be.

This doesn’t mean a woman can’t balance a man to keep him from being reckless. Often a woman is a great discerner and can sense things that men overlook.

But Paranoid Pricilla is the woman who can never go beyond her comfort zone, she’s a creature of habit. She is obsessed with tragedy, illness, and talks of disasters and sickness as if it is something to expect.

10. Lazy Lucy

 

You will know she is a “Lazy Lucy” when her house is a dirty mess and her car smells like a dump site – even worse.

She is also the type of woman, who doesn’t take care of herself in any way. Her hair is not washed and combed – and smells as if she uses compose hair-fertilizer.   Her clothes are not ironed, her shoes still have the discounted labels on its soles. This woman is too lazy to care! Hygiene is a matter of a burden, not a matter of virtue.

Laziness is sinful according to the Bible.

If she doesn’t have a healthy love for herself, she won’t be able to love you correctly!

 

Finally,  because women tend to be just a whole lot more complicated than men, I’ve decided to a BONUS point –Number 11!

 

11. The Gold-digger

 

She’s the woman who loves your wallet, more than your heart. If it wasn’t for your bank account, and credit cards, you’d never stand a chance – believe me!

Stay away from a woman who is only interested in what your salary can buy her.

Yes, she’s a Colour Me Bad -A money-taker and a heartbreaker… You don’t want to be married to someone you have to pay a premium to, to get your attention or to give you some affection.

She is the type of a woman who will not be there for you when you no longer can satisfy her physical needs.

This type of a woman will NEVER find true love, because of her materialistic heart.

 

 


Disclaimer: Any name associated with this list is not associated with a person I personally know. Any connection is purely coincidental.

Every girl looks forward to finding her Prince Charming. The moment love finds them, then the dream fairytale wedding and a perfect life thereafter. But, as you grow older, you realise that nobody’s perfect. So instead of looking for Mr Perfect, you look for the one who is perfect for you -a sign you’ve matured.

As Pastors for over a decade, alongside Rey, my wife (16 years and counting) we’ve observed how beautiful, ambitious girls, settled for less than THE BEST.

One of the most difficult things we face at times is trying to speak “sense” into some of these precious hearts. Whether it is by way of, Whatsapp, Email or our Dating and Courtship Workshops, we’d encourage these young ladies, “yes follow your heart, but not without your brain.”

 

Often the complaint we hear from them is, “the pickings are slim to none at the Church.” So they venture into the world throwing up their hands in despair, and desperation. Even lowering their standards in order to find “love.”

We shared with them our mistakes; we encourage them not settle for less than God’s best. As much as we feel we do our best, our wisdom often is disregarded and the consequences for them are inevitable.

Too many Christian women today, have ended up with an Ishmael because impatience pushed them into an unhappy marriage. This is a great sadness!

It’s my sincerest hope, this article would help you.  I’ve always believed God is in the matchmaking business. He matched me with my wife and He can do it for you. How or when I can’t tell you but what I can tell you is which guy not from Him.

So what are the qualities of a keeper: How do you recognize a good guy?

It’s true, as you look for Mr Right, you look past some of the bad traits, so you can see all the good ones.

This shows that you’re not shallow, emotionally mature and possibly ready for a steady relationship. But, despite how shallow it might seem, there are some guys you should just AVOID like the black plague!

 

10 Types Of Guys To Put On Your Do Not Date List

 

 

#1. The Controller Freak

 

Do not date a controller!

You may fancy the “attention” in the early dating stage. Particularly if you grew up as a young girl without the affection, attention and love of your father.  A controlling man will come back to haunt your marriage.

Here is the truth about biblical leadership, it is servant leadership, not domination!

There are many “Christian men” who go around quoting scriptures about headship and being the spiritual leader. However, their idea of leadership is having a woman be subservient to them.

They may quote Scripture and sound super-spiritual, but behind the façade of husbandly authority is deep insecurity and pride that destroys and leads into spiritual and emotional abuse. God created a man and a woman as equal. A man and a woman differ in function, not status!

 

“Commands husbands to treat their wives as equals.”
1 Peter 3:7

If the man you are dating talks down to you makes demeaning comments about women or seems to quench your spiritual fire for God, back away now!

You don’t need his “power trip” issues to further complicate your life.

Women who marry “religious control freaks” often end up depressed and having a  marriage like “Nightmare on Elm’s Street.”

Put that type of guy on your do not date list.

 

 

#2. The Deceiver

 

One of the major challenges in modern society is the lack of understanding of the difference between; dating and courtship.

Dating is for discernment. Discerning important things such as; character, emotional and intellectual compatibility.

It’s important to look beyond physical attraction.  Hers is why, when people date, they put their “best foot” forward to try to impress the other person, right?  This is human nature. What is not human nature is when people intentionally deceive a person about their past or their character.

If you discover that the guy you are dating has deceived you about his past…  run for the hills!

Marriage must be built on a foundation of friendship which is built on the foundation trust.

If he can’t be truthful about his mistakes in the past or about his character flaws, break up now before he deceives you with an even bigger deception.

This guy deserves to be on your do not date list.

 

 

#3. The Irresponsible Man-Child

 

Is your guy still living with his mama? Run and don’t look back!

Call me old-fashion, but if a guy at age 35 is still living with mum’s and pap’s, he is going to the tough-nut to please!

Forget about getting him to do any chores around the house. You’ll be like, baby in the one arm, the other whimpering in the cot, while you doing the cooking and thinking about the ironing.    I’ve seen marriages crush, because of the uninvolved, present but absent husband.

If his mother is still doing his cooking, cleaning and ironing at that age, you can be sure he’s stuck in an emotional time warp.

He is an overgrown baby in an adult’s body. You are asking for trouble if you think you can be a wife to a guy who hasn’t grown up and is not responsible enough.

If he can’t take care of himself, how the heck he going to take care of you, the children?

Back away and, as a friend, encourage him to find a mentor who can help him mature.

But whatever you do, put him on your do not date list.

 

 

#4. The Chippendale

 

There are actually men in the church and especially online that prey on women who are gullible, lonely and needy.

They will lead them right down the path of sexual promiscuity with no intention of marrying them.

If you marry someone who cannot control his libido prior to marriage, what makes you think he will control it after you are married?

If he has a “wandering eye” in front of you, trust me, sweetheart, he’s a player, flirting with others girls behind you.

How will you ever trust a guy like this, who can not trust his optical system?

This type of guy is a no-brainer for your do not date list.

Finding a man who has control over his sexual appetites is a rare gem indeed.

You will be well served to find such a man.

 

 

#5. The Abuser (Spiritual, Emotional, Or Physical)

 

Abuse is caused by anger and manipulation.

If the guy you are dating has a tendency to fly off the handle, either at you or others, don’t be tempted to rationalise his behaviour.

He has a problem, and if you marry him you have a problem, a serious problem. You will have to walk on eggshells in your own home. Angry men hurt women—verbally and sometimes physically.

Put that type of guy on your do not date list.

Pray for a gentleman.

Pray for a guy that doesn’t try to manipulate his world to always get his way.

Pray for a guy that can accept when things are not what he wants all the time.

 

 

#6. The Deserter

 

Do not date a deserter!

There are many great Christian men who have experienced the tragedy of divorce and have done the things necessary to heal from that event in their life and are ready to have a great marriage.

The Holy Spirit has restored them and now they want to remarry.

But if you find out that the man you are dating hasn’t been caring for his children from a previous marriage, you have just exposed a fatal flaw.

Any man who will not support children from a previous marriage is not going to treat you responsibly.

What makes you think that he will support you when he will not take responsibility for his own children or be the dad that his kids need?

Put him on your do not date list.

 

 

#7. The GQ Man

 

Everybody should marry somebody that is physically attractive to them.

But be careful: If your guy spends six thousand hours a day at the gym and regularly posts closeups of his biceps on Facebook, you have a problem, drink 13 red bulls and fly away!

He is self-absorbed if he cares more for his triceps or his toys (car, or hobby) that he cares for you. The guy who’s willing to drop it all for you, he’s the one! Never accept second best when God has only the best for his daughter.

Watch out for the narcist. Narcissus was an ancient Greek mythological figure who was so beautiful that he fell in love with himself – but because he couldn’t leave his own reflection in the water, he eventually drowned.

A person who is a narcissist is so convinced of their own greatness that they don’t see their weaknesses. Marrying a narcissist is a very one sided relationship. They’re always trying to vaunt their own greatness – often at the expense of others.

When a person is self-absorbed then they don’t have the time nor the inclination to give themselves to someone else. They are in fact in love with themselves.

He might be cute, but a man who is infatuated with his appearance and his own needs will never be able to love you sacrificially like Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25).

The man who is always looking at himself in the mirror will never notice you!

Put him on your do, not date list.

 

 

#8. The Addicted User

 

Guys who go to church but are addicted to mind altering substances have learned a secretive behavioural lifestyle.

Never marry a man who refuses to get help for his addiction.

Insist that he get professional help and walk away.

And don’t get into a co-dependent relationship in which he claims he needs you to stay sober.

You can’t fix him. It is not your job it is God’s job!

Don’t try to be “holy spirit junior,” and try to anyone. Firstly He does not need your help (thank you very much,) secondly, don’t deceive yourself into thinking, “he will change once we marry.” If God can’t change him, neither will marriage or you!

Take enough time to know someone before you get married. That’s the purpose of dating.

You don’t want to be surprised on your honeymoon that you actually married a crack head.

Put him on your d, not date list.

 

 

#9. The Lazy Bum

 

Do not date a lazy bum!

The first thing God gave Adam was a JOB, not a wife! For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. 2 Thessalonians 3:10

Does your guy have a job?

Does he have a life plan?

If the answer is now, he can’t afford you or marriage. I can’t tell you how many ladies I have seen supporting guys who have no plan in their life.

The rule to eating applies to marrying you as well. If he is not willing to work, he has no business marrying a godly woman like you!

Ladies, don’t sell your spiritual birthright for a bowl of stew.

Don’t marry a man that doesn’t deserve you. Put him on your do not date list.

Please receive our “fatherly” or “motherly” advice:

You are much better off single than with the wrong guy!

Your smartest decision in life is to wait for a man who is sold out to Jesus!

 

 

#10. The Unbeliever

 

Don’t date an unbeliever!

Please take this scripture and write it on a post-it note and place it on your mirror, refrigerator and your computer at work.

“Don’t yoke with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?” 2 Corinthians 6:14-15

You don’t want to be “yoked” with a man who does not know the LORD and God’s Word. It becomes complicated and more so when the children arrive.

Don’t be fooled by good looks, a witty personality, financial prosperity, or even a willingness to go to Church with you while you are dating. If the guy was not actively serving the Lord prior to you meeting him, then he is not marriage material.

Marriage taps into the spiritual dynamics of unity. If you don’t have a spiritual agreement, you don’t have a real agreement. You must do a spiritual X- Ray before you date anyone.  Don’t treat dating a guy like an item on the shopping list. Get it when you need it kinda thing…. 

It’s possible to end up being that woman who gets trapped in unfulfilling marriages because you fell prey to the guy who wanted to find a “good Church girl” but had no intention of being a good Church man himself. So be aware of this.

I have never met one godly woman who didn’t regret marrying an unbeliever.

Please put them on your do, not date list.

Every day we hear heartbreaking stories of marriages falling apart. This February I am married for 16 years to the world’s most virtuous woman, Rey

 

God has blessed us with three beautiful little girls, well they aren’t so little anymore. I’m thankful today, we’ve got a “model marriage.” Our home permeates with love, laughter and security. Our marriage we’d like to believe is an affirmation, too many, that marriage is still a great idea.

But there are no shortcuts to success, and the same is true about matrimony.

A great marriage takes patience, perseverance, dedication, endless forgiveness and a budget for yellow roses. 

 

Our Marriage Was Not Always An Easy Road

We’d to overcome (and still do) numerous challenges, to enjoy what we celebrate today. When we hear of the gut-wrenching stories of couples who’s marriages, have failed and fallen apart, or those partners who are together, but lost the joy of this blessed union,  I often wonder just how many of us say in our hearts: “Please, Lord… don’t let that happen to my marriage?”

While it would be unlikely and arrogant to assume that every marriage is the same, I would argue that many marriages that find themselves in deep water show one or more of the signs that I’m going to mention in this post.

It’s true every couple has the greatest intentions when starting out, right? But somehow, “life happens.” Your job, the children, money matters. ..all stand between the two of you and the next thing you find yourself awakening from the bed of lost passion and intimacy, resulting in a marriage that is torn apart, hearts tattered and distraught children.

For the sake of the health of your marriage, I encourage you to read through this list with an open-honest-heart. I’ve based these “marriage warning signs” around Biblical truths. If you discern any of these happening in your marriage, allow me to encourage you to consider these biblical truths for wisdom and the application for your particular situation?

One more important thing, physical or emotional abuse are definite signs of marriage in trouble. I’d advise that you seek immediate help from a pastor or a qualified marital counsellor.

 

 

 

#1. You Don’t have a Desire to Serve each Other (Any Longer.)

 

If you have a desire to place yourself first in everything, your marriage is in deep trouble.

Sacrificial love—which includes letting our spouses have their way, or choosing to bless them without expecting a return —is the exact type of love that we signed up to do when we got married (1 Corinthians 13).

Our culture is opposed to serving. Therefore this may seem almost taboo. Yet, we are required to sacrificially love our spouses (Ephesians 5) every day, whether that’s physically serving them or allowing their opinions to be as valuable as our own (Philippians 2:3-4.)

#2. You Care Less about Your Spouse’s Opinion

 

It’s dangerous to a marriage when we habitually choose to not weigh our spouse’s opinions as important as our own.
I’m not suggesting that we dismiss our feelings, or write off the validity to our emotions. But if you find that you habitually choose to not care about each other’s feelings your marriage is not in a good space.

I believe friendship is the foundation of marriage. A healthy friendship isn’t self-seeking but seeks to bless the other person, which sometimes results in sacrificing our own opinions and desires in order to maintain peace.

When we dismiss our spouse’s feelings as unimportant, you are hurting the friendship and by default, damaging your marriage.

Remembers these words;

 

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)

 

 

 

 

#3.  Forgiveness No Longer Comes Easy

 

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship.

 

But the real question is, “What do we do with those conflicts?” Each time you violate the “plank and speck principle” in Matthew 7:5, we cloud our judgment more and more until we cannot see our mistakes and shortcomings. Resulting in it becoming too difficult, too extreme to forgive.

One little issue can compound with other issues, and before you know it, your hearts have shut down, and your marriage is slowly dying.

As hard as it seems, you must get to the root of our emotions and deal with these issues quickly with your spouse.

Learn to forgive quickly for the sake of peace, and of the importance of grace.

 

 

“(Love) is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.” (1 Corinthians 13:5)

 

 

 

 

#4. Physical Intimacy is Non-existent

 

 

Your sex life is a good indicator of your overall marital health.

 

If you and your husband are tired and too busy for intimate time together, your marriage will loose it’s “connectedness.”

When there aren’t any emotional barriers between a husband and wife, sex is easy and feels like a time of deep emotional connection.

Sex is God’s “balm of reconciliation,” and an “ointment of intimacy.” Sex “resets” the connection in marriage.

Sex is intended to be more than just physical but a spiritual and emotional investment in each other, and when you reduce it down to a physical act or lustful for that matter, you are neglecting your marital growth and intimacy.

Many couples let this aspect of marriage slowly erode, and its so easy to do so.

Besides being “too busy” or “too tired,” here are some other potential reasons why physical intimacy may be lacking:

You may no longer be attracted to your spouse because of physical changes they’ve undergone,

You’ve  been emotionally wounded in other areas (by your spouse or others) and sex seems unthinkable,

Pornography or affairs have trespassed the marriage and shattered trust,

You  have reduced sex to a physical experience,

I wish to encourage you, you can’t allow the enemy to use your busy-ness or your emotional scars to keep our marriage from this most vital form of connection.

God created sex for a reason beyond procreation. It’s one of the keys to marital intimacy and oneness. You must make sexual connection with your spouses a priority in order for your marriages to thrive.

 

“keep the marriage bed pure” (Hebrews 13:4)

 

 

 

#5. You’re no Longer Investing in Your Marriage

 

Consider the investment of time your put in your relationship before you got married? It was a joy wasn’t it?

 

You entered marriage with hearts full of hope and excitement because you’ve spent hours investing in your relationship.

Then you get married, and suddenly as the years go by (you become distracted by your career, kids, or even ministry), your marriage no longer is a priority. Somehow we expect it to care for itself. This is a disastrous view.
Date nights and regular scheduled “us-time” alone together are so important!

You must make intentional investments of time, in your relationship should you want it to stay vibrant and growing.

I’ve  made this mistake in the past and what’s worse, I came up with a thousand excuses.  I’m so grateful my wife helped me see my error. I moved my office to our home to remedy the challenge.  Today,  I’m grateful, that I’ve been there for my family every step of the way.

Some suggestion to prioritise your marriage:

Plan regular date nights, or days,

We usually do date days, breakfast once a week has done amazing things for our marriage,

Plan weekends away or vacations,

Participate in each other’s hobby or interests.

Remember, we must nurture our relationships in order to honour them and to stay faithful!

You can have a great marriage!  A healthy marriage is a mixture of friendship and forgiveness.

 

1. Healthy couples speak respectfully about their spouse even when their spouse isn’t there to hear it

Your words are usually a sign of the state of your marriage, but your tone confirms it.

The tone in which you speak to, OR about your spouse, will ultimately set the tone of your entire marriage. Never speak harshly to each other, especially about each other. Disagreements are not a sign that you married wrong. On the contrary, disagreement and conflict can enhance your marriage. Make a decision to maintain a posture of mutual respect –  protect and defend your spouse’s reputation both publicly and privately. Speak to each other and speak about each other with RESPECT.

 

2. Share each other’s interests

This is such a huge factor; sadly most couples don’t do it often enough. Whatever your spouse values, should be valuable to you too.

Don’t allow your iPhone to become more important than your spouse or their interest. The healthiest of marriages never compromise ‘us time.’

 

3. Fight-fare not dirty

In marriage, there is no winner or loser; there are only wins or losses.

Fighting dirty can become a huge source of bitterness and frustration in marriage if it is not done right. Your spouse has seen you at your best AND seen you at your worst, at your prettiest and your ugliest. The healthiest of couples choose to bring out the best in each other by celebrating and highlighting each other’s strengths and areas of growth, instead of consistently holding each other down by bringing up mistakes from the past. Prevent keeping score, or using words like “you always,” “you just like.” In this case, both of you lose. When a couple chooses to encourage each other and extend grace, they both win. Healthy couples forgive each other quickly and work hard to rebuild trust when it has been damaged. They also endeavour to protect intimacy when it has been defiled.

4. Prioritise each other over everything

Great marriages don’t prioritise their careers, their hobbies or even their kids ahead of their marriage.

This is a hard pill to swallow, but if you have to choose between your career and your spouse, your friends and your spouse, or even your family and your spouse; you must always choose to put your spouse ahead of the rest.

One of the toughest priorities to establish, is to never let your kids come between you and your spouse. One of the most destructive things you can do is put your marriage on hold while you’re raising your children. Don’t end up with an “empty nest” syndrome. Invest in regular date nights or days. Find and pay reliable baby-sitters, have a budget for entertainment, model the kind of marriage that makes your kids excited to be married someday.

5. Sex is not an option

It takes more than sex to have a great marriage, but you cannot have a great marriage without sex.

If you only make love when both of you are equally ‘in the mood,’ it’s like waiting for all the stars in the galaxy to come into perfect alignment. The healthiest couples prioritise sexual intimacy. You should be having sex at least 4 times a week.

6. Never, never lie to each other

Dishonesty (or secrecy ) in any form is an enemy of intimacy and will destroy your friendship like nothing else.

If you want your marriage to grow and thrive, don’t keep secrets and don’t tell lies to each other. Your marriage will never be stronger than the level of trust you have for each other. The healthiest couples don’t have hidden bank accounts or secret passwords the other spouse doesn’t know about.

7. The healthiest couples have a spiritual conviction

It’s possible to have God in your marriage and still be unhappy, but I’m convinced that you cannot build a healthy marriage without God.

I’m also convinced the more you love God, the better capacity you will have to love each other. The healthiest couples I know are the ones who pray with and for each other. They are rooted in their faith, active in a healthy church and they put their faith in action by serving together to help their community.

PROGRAM 

Registration: 8:30 – 9:00

 

Welcome:       9:00 – 9:05

Session 1 (45 MINUTES)  

 

 

“Freedom In The Bedroom.”

Because Sex In Marriage Should Be Climatic!

By Dr Shan Thumbran and Ps Rey Thumbran.

(*Strictly for Married couples only or 18+)

 

——     Tea Break: 10:00 – 10:15  —– 

 

 

Session 2 (45 MINUTES)  

 

“Overcoming the Storms of Marriage.”

 

By Dr David Molapo and Dr Mamikie Molapo.

 

 

Q &A 11:00-11:15

 

 

Close 11:30

 


Register online:  www.drshanthumbran.com / Email: shan@drshan thumbran.com / Phone: 0846025547

Marriage is a Covenant – the fruit of a loving, faithful relationship where partners take responsibility for their actions. The marriage covenant is based on freedom of choice, rooted in actions, based on choices -not feelings. It is a relationship in which partners remain dedicated to nurturing their relationship through commitments that are freely offered. The marriage covenant requires that the partners remain faithful for the relationship to flourish.

The 10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE outlines the terms of the marriage covenant; this can significantly strengthen your marriage and allow you to experience it’s joys should you choose to live by it.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE:

 

Exclusive Loyalty and Faithfulness Towards Each Other at All Times

• When things such as hobbies, work, ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends steal the loyalty that is exclusively reserved for your spouse, you are severely weakening your covenant.
• Covenant demands exclusive and unconditional loyalty from both parties that enter into the marriage covenant.

 

Truthfulness and Honesty Towards Each Other at All Times

• You cannot be unfaithful towards your spouse. You are unfaithful when you build ‘false images’ of them in your mind.
• Many couples are trying to shape their partners into their own image of what a ‘perfect spouse’ should be. This is idolatry!
• Unrealistic expectations have destroyed many marriages.
• Marriage is not about who you are, marriage is about who you become.

 

Eliminate ‘Words’ or ‘Actions’ that Belittles Each Other in Private or Public

• There is nothing worse than a couple who belittles each other then cuts each other off. Never disrespect each other this way before the children, friends or parents.
• Appreciating your similarities and respecting your differences goes long a long way.
• Respect will cause you to explain your anger, which leads to solutions instead of arguments.

 

Set aside Regular and Special Time for Each Other

• You are required to show your Love to your spouse by setting aside regular time for him/her. Love is spelt T.I.M.E!
• This means you would have to set aside your work or your personal pleasure on a daily basis.
• Togetherness does not mean “us-ness.” You will have to protect your exclusive time together. Away from the kids, work, family and friends. It is important for your friendship and intimacy.

 

Honour Your Parents without Allowing them to Come between the Two of You!

• One of the greatest blessings, when you get married, is to have the “blessing of your parents.”
• We are called to relate to our parents, especially our spouse’s parents, respectfully.
• Even when the In-laws become Out Law… Never be disrespectful!

 

Denounce any Form of Hatred or Hostility that can Hurt Your Spouse

• Avoid physical violence to the body and emotional violence to the soul.
• Verbal abuse can be more damaging to women than physical violence. It is the most prevalent form of marital abuse, which undermines a woman’s sense of worth. It also diminishes her ability to care for her children and participate in the workforce.

 

Be Faithful to Each Other in Body and Soul

• This will protect you from seeking any sexual experiences outside of Marriage.
• Honour your marriage covenant by being sexually faithful to your spouse, both mentally and physically.

 

Vow to live in Community of Property

• This is the essence of a covenant agreement: each person gives 100% to the marriage.
• The marriage covenant is not a co-heir partnership (50/50), but a joint heir partnership (100/100).
• Anything less than this is a contract, not a covenant.
• A contract marriage is very different from a covenant marriage:
In a contract: I take thee for me. In a covenant: I give myself to thee. In a contract: You better do it! In a covenant: How may I serve you?
In a contract: What do I get? In a covenant: What can I give? In a contract: I’ll meet you halfway. In a covenant: I’ll give you 100% plus. In a contract: I have to. In a covenant: I want to.

 

Be Truthful Communicators

• When you speak ill of your spouse, misrepresent their motives, fail to interpret the feelings behind their words or hit remarks that are ‘below the belt,’ you become an untruthful communicator.
• Truthful communication requires you to be: Timely, Patient, Flexible, Intuitive, Accepting and Honest.

 

Be Content with Your Spouse and Celebrate Their Success and Achievements

• Never compare your spouse’s performances or their talents to that of others.
• It is not wrong to desire good qualities in your spouse, but it is a mistake to compare your spouse’s qualities to that of someone else’s!

 


If this article has been a blessing to you, please leave a comment below and let me know. You may also share it with a friend.   

 

, THE TOP 10 GIFTS JUST FOR HER

It’s time for giving, may I suggest we focus on giving the kind of gifts that will build your relationship? 

 

Here is a list of the TOP 10 GIFTS just the kind every wife wants from her husband, that she can’t really ask for: 

 

 

1.

Befriend Her

 

Be her friend…

Go on a date together. Do fun things together. Plan trips even if they will be short. These are the best moments to share your struggles and dreams. Most wives are very lonely and feel emotionally disconnected -so be that best friend to her.

After all, marriage is nothing without friendship!

 

2.

Appreciate Her

 

Recognise what she does… 

Pixie dust is not the reason the house is clean, the pantry is stocked and the kids are washed and tucked into bed.   Express gratitude for the little tasks she takes care of that you may usually take for granted.

Here is one great tip on how to show your appreciation; FLOWERS!  And make sure it’s her favorite. They say, wherever flowers bloom so does hope. So let the fragrance of hope fill your home! 

 

 

3.

Compliment Her

 

Let me let you in on a little secret…

 

Don’t just tell her she is beautiful, tell her why she is beautiful.  Say out loud with to yourself, “you are beautiful,”   Say it one more time, “you are beautiful.”  Great! Now try practicing it on your wife. 

Complement the dress that she is wearing, and whatever you do DON’T forget to mention her SHOES, how great her NEW hair color suits her complexion (even if it is not true!) 

Tell her she is a great mum. Through at her a woman’s all-time favorite compliment – “you look like you lost weight baby”, even if it is not factual, but hearing this from you, will make her day!

Tell her how smart she is, how talented and great at her work she is. Remember, a woman communicates with feelings, so she doesn’t hear words, she feels them. 

Remember that it’s incredibly important that you are incredibly sincere. A woman will always accept a compliment, but nothing builds her self-esteem when she hears it all the time from you. Your wife needs to be consistently affirmed, and the man for the job is you!

 

 

 

4.

Understand Her

 

The truth is, a woman will never be understood!

For instance, her fascination with shoes, saying the opposite of what she means. …sincere tact is required to console her when she’s had a rough day.

‘Listen’ to her soul -with your heart not with your logic. Say things like: “you are right”, “I’m sorry”, “It sounds like you had a rough day”, “I can’t believe your boss spoke to you that way.” The gift of understanding (connecting with her feelings), not her logic is healing in her soul!

 

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5.

Consider Her

 

If she is anything like my wife…

Most women don’t remember that the vehicle she drives needs, fuel, oil to operate. So be available to help, fill up her car, get it washed. Hold the baby, help carry the groceries from the car, do homework with the kids. 

Ask your wife if she needs anything, give her a break.  Apologise when you hurt her feelings. Be kind and considerate. You are going to mess things up, that’s what guys do, but make pretty sure, each time it happens that you -aptly apologize!

 

 

6.

Desire Her

 

Tell her that you love her…

Toys may preserve the boy in a man, but affection preserves the little girl in a woman.

Affectionately express how happy you are to be married to her. Surprise her in the mall by holding her around the waist -yes you read me correctly -soldier! Stroke her hair as you sit together waiting for dinner at the restaurant; tell her that you need her and that she makes you feel great!

Honestly, as a man,  I have to pinch myself often as a reminder to practice what I preach.

 

 

7.

Respect Her

She deserves it…

 

A husband can get so comfortable with his wife that he forgets to show her basic respect.

You show respect when you call her or message her when you’re running late.  Even if it’s just five or ten minutes later than the time that she was expecting you. Hold open doors for her. Greet her. Smile at her. Look at her when you are speaking. Value her opinion.

These are great gestures that I’m still working and grateful how they have already enhanced our marriage significantly.

 

 

8.

Accept Her

 

Accept her weaknesses…

Understand that she is not you. She will never be you, so she will say or do things that you don’t agree with.

This has been one of the greatest struggles earlier in our marriage. Remember your wife will often see things differently from you, thinks differently from you and handles things differently from you.

Learn to praise her for these strengths!

 

9.

Trust Her

 

Be real with her.

Share with her significant experiences in your life. Tell her about what’s happening at work or the incident last night with the boys.

Express when you are worried, angry, sad or happy. Don’t be proud and hard-hearted; nothing will destroy a great date night or special occasion more.

Don’t try to hide or deny your feelings before her.

God gave a man a wife, to be his hospital and doctor.  Trust her with your life, Is she is anything like my wife, she will never harm you!

 

10.

Laugh with Her

 

Maintain your sense of humor especially in times of stress…

 

Eliminate mockery and sarcasm. Laugh with each other but never at each other. Watch TV shows like ‘Friends or “The Pink Panther.”

 

 


 

So there you have it, the 10 Top Gifts To Give Your Wife This Christmas.

Our hope is that these gifts will create a rich and precious deposit into your relationship.

 

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Question: What will you be doing differently to deepen your relationship today? Leave your comment below, and share this post.